Hey there, kiddies! It's midnight, it's Thursday (technically Friday), and I'm bored out my gourd (that rhymes and I apologize). So here are some things I've been thinking about lately:
The "New" Conan: Kids, I remember the days before high-def. I remember when 36 inch TVs were huge. And now, we've got Conan in letterbox. WHAT THE FUCK?! Was this even remotely necessary?! Was there anything on the show worth seeing at optimum picture quality?! I love Preparation H Randall but I don't need to see all the pores on his face. I don't need to see the Coked-Up Werewolf's hair glowing in 1080i. I don't watch the Masturbating Bear looking for tips, so I don't need to be able to see all his intricate finger movements. And do you know why? Because it doesn't make it any funnier! Don't fix what ain't broke so a couple rich chucklefucks (that's right, chucklefucks) can see the hairs in La Bamba's nostrils. I can't stand to watch Conan anymore. I'm sad now...
Love at 1st Sight: This one has come up in recent bulletins. I gotta say, the whole idea is nonsense fairytale bullshit. Please... You're telling me you can look at someone and instantly love them? Don't you realize how mentally disturbed that makes you sound? I'm sorry, folks, I hold love in way too high a regard to believe in such misguided childishness. Love takes time, it takes care, understanding, and intimacy (both physical and emotional). And you expect me to believe two people can get that or feel that by looking at each other for the first time?! People spend years together and don't know if they love each other, but you, oh you believe it can happen from across the bar. It's ad hoc bullshit that newlyweds say because they don't hate each other yet. Start thinking with your head and stop "loving" with your genitals, please, it's juvenile.
Transporter 2: Oh dear lord, a movie topic. Here we go again. The story of an expert trained in all sorts of deadlyness comes to town and needs a job. What does he get? A job driving around a child. He tries to stay professional. Do the job till a real one comes up. Aw, but the kid's so damned cute... Then BAM, kidnapped by terrorists! Now he's pissed...
Goddammit! Didn't we just see this movie?! I believe it was called Man on Firewith Denzel Washington, which itself was a remake of Man on Fire with Scott Glenn. Son of a bitch, are we that devoid?! Does Hollywood think that because we didn't go see the last one, we'll probably go see this one?! What morons they take us for! Holy-mother of...
Dukes of Hazard: Uh-oh, another one... Jessica Simpson, baby, please cover your eyes and ears. This was a shitty show in the 80's. Why in the fuck, if we're gonna remake stuff, don't we remake good shows?! Hot-Damn! Knight Rider had more storylines and Hasselhoff's not doing anything (unless he's still in rehab then, by all means, continue), let's re-do that! Hell, we could buy the car on E-bay and get Ashton Kutcher to do the voice for K.I.T.T.! Cocksmokin' funky buttlovers...
Jessica Simpson, baby, it's okay to look now.
Bad Bulletins: Okay, I'm gonna try real hard to be nice 'cause some of you are my friends. Could we please stop with the Chain Bulletins? If you want an analogy for their usefulness read above under, Love at 1st Sight. Seriously do you really think that if nobody passed them on, that something terrible would happen to everybody?! Bourgeois fairytale nonsense. And now to those that put "I'm gonna..." in the subject line and then "fart" in the body, I'm getting real sick of that shit. Or subject: "Tonight", oh could it be a party they're planning or somebody's birthday, body: "is gonna be good." Ahh... you vague, uninteresting bastard! I can remain calm no longer.
Bulletins ought to be for announcements, things all your friends need to know. Or even questionnaires, I know you don't like those, but at least they serve a "get to know" purpose. I don't need to know that tomorrow is going to be good for you. It's very self-centered of you to believe that anyone other than you needs to know that without any details. I click on your bulletins because I'm your friend and I care what you have to say about things and what's going on in your life. I click on "Tonight" cause I think you're announcing your plans for the day and that's interesting, even if I'm not gonna be there. You could be telling a story of the strange thing that happened. But no. You just wanted to be a dillhole. Anyone who complains about bad movies, and wanting their life that was lost back, oughta have my back on this one.
If not, well, fuck you too. I'm done. (drops the mic and walks away)
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