It’s All In Your Nombre

Hey, kids!  My, what a lovely tea party! 

So I was watching The Omen (the original sans Julia Stiles) this evening, and I got to thinking what odd foresight the parents in the film had to name their son, the AntiChrist, Damien.  It's not like it's a common name.  Although, Steve the AntiChrist has kind of a ring to it.

Anyhoo, this got me thinking (hold onto ya butts). 

You know what never happens?  You never in your life meet someone with the last name, Killer.  I know I haven't.  Not yet anyhow.

Cause you think about last names and their origins and it's usually a "son of [your name here]" sort of name, or the town the family originated from, or in many cases the name of the man who used to own someone long ago.  But another common origin is someone's profession.

Now, I know being a killer isn't necessarily a profession, unless money changes hands of course, but you'd think that somewhere down the line in history, some dude was a known killer and he had a son.  And then it spreads.  Next thing you know, the Killers move in next door (no, not the group with the lead singer with the unnecessary vibratto).

But now that I think of it, you never meet anyone named, Whore, either.  Oh you'll meet whores, mind you.  You might even date one (or a few).  But no one with the name.  This of course is discounting any asian people named, Ho.  I don't think that that translates.

So, kids, what's the most unusual last names you've encountered?  Not just foreign names ('cause then mine might come up), unless they have an odd translation.  My last name actually roughly translates as "Brownland."  It's not very exciting but it could've been "shiteater" so I count my blessings.  Let me here your answers, kids.  It's fun, yes?  

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeeeeeah...  

:-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Mood For Thought

Hey, kids.  I gotta take a break from sneezing and feeling full headed to talk to you about some things.

First of all, ranch dressing.  What the fuck is the big deal with ranch dressing these days?  People are putting it on everything now.  They're putting it on fries!  They're dipping chicken tenders in it!  And I saw a commercial for pizza and ranch dip!  AAAAAAAAHHH!  NO!  It's a salad dressing.  Do fries look like salad?  No.  Does chicken?  No.  Pizza?  NOOOO!O!O!  Stop it.  You're hurting my life.

Secondly, I have more of a question about bathroom trash etiquette.  What is acceptable to throw away in the bathroom?  I would think bathroom things like toilet paper, floss, disposable contact lenses, various cleaning products, empty air fresheners, etc.

Now have you ever been eating or drinking something, and then you go to the bathroom, but you make a complete diversion in your trip to pottytown in order to throw that stuff away in, say, the kitchen trashcan?  I know I have.  Why do we do that?  There's a perfectly acceptable recepticle in the bathroom.  My only guess is that you get self-conscious about whether or not someone else will use the bathroom after you and think that you've been eating or drinking on the john.  That would be gross, wouldn't it?  Someone sitting on the pot, eating Doritos while downing Gatorade?  I think it's odd.  Is it dumb to worry or think about?  Possibly.  But this is my blog so shut up.

Lastly, the subject of Amigo Porn.  Now this isn't really a genre of porn, rather it's just a snappy title for the scenario I'm about to present.  Say you're at a friends house, maybe there's even a group of you, and the friend leaves for whatever reason.  To go get beer, to pick someone else up, to go suck off a rhino... You know, whatever.  And you being the nosy bastard that you are, you start looking around for "interesting things."  And you stumble onto what is obviously homemade porn. 

Now here's the question.  Your friend's not there.  And it's porn.  But it's not something you want to make you "hot."  But do you watch anyway?

Take it another step further, and appropriate for this era, say your friend is the other player in a celebrity sex tape that gets out.  Do you watch?

I tell you what I'd do.

I'd watch the fucker (literally and figuratively).

My reasons are quite simple.  It's like watching animals on the Discovery Channel, with the added bonus that they're human.  You might even learn something.  But also, it's a chance to root on your buddy.  I mean, you're probably not going to be there in person, with a big foam finger and an air horn, so what the hell, right?  I'm just saying that I'd cook some popcorn and take in the show, that's all.  No lust.  No fantasy.  Just pure science, and entertainment.

I'm not saying that this is something you oughta get into, like trading amongst your friends, but given the opportunity, why not watch?  You can always turn it off if it gets "too real" or whatever.  I'm just saying.

What would you do, kids?  Call me crazy, but I'd like to know.  Ponder it and then responder it.  Yeah!    :-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

You Wanna Suck My What???

Oh... Blood...  For a second there, I was like "Whoa," you know?

Hey, kids!  If you haven't guessed already (by all means try right now), this blog is about vampires.

See, I got to thinking the other day about how vampires are afraid of/hurt by crosses/crucifixes, and so I thought, why don't they just attack Jews?  Or Muslims?  Hindus?  Buddhists?  Daoists?  Shintos?  Zorastrians? 

Atheists?  Wait, they don't believe in vampires.

Agnostics?  Wait, they're not sure if they believe in vampires or not.

Why don't they go after them?  Are vampires RACISTS???

The vampires in the Blade movies had the right idea.  They hung out in LA.  They could hit every film executive in Hollywood, and they'd still have Malibu yet!  Right, Mel??? 

SUGARTITS!

Also, ooh think about it, the groups mentioned above (exception of the last two "groups") are less likely to have a bunch of garlic lying around.  Or holy water for that matter.

Anyhow, it would just seem to me to be a smarter plan of action to try to drain the blood of people who don't have weapons to use against you.

Like werewolves, you kill them with silver bullets, right?  Why not attack pacifists?  Seems like it could work.

Freddy Kreuger, Jason, and Michael Myers (YEEEAH BABY!) have the right idea by attacking teenagers.  Think about it.  Teenagers are generally frantic, unfocused, stupid, and have less knowledge/access to weapons (unless they gangstas).  It's brilliant.

And vampires are supposed to be suave, slick motherfuckers.  You'd think this shit would've crossed their minds at some point.  They're probably just as dense as the human dudes who think they're suave like male models, The Pickup Artist, jocks, Bret Michaels, David Caruso, douchebags, and politicians (or were the last two redundant?).

Well, whatever.  Fuck 'em, right?  Yeah.  Fuck vampires.  And mummies!  Yeah!  Alright, I'm delirious.  Goodnight, and good suckin', kids!

:-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

"Take me out to the survey..."

1. Your name?
Lucifer

2. So what's your team?
St. Louis Cardinals

3. Could you name the minor league affiliates of your favorite team?
AAA- Memphis Redbirds, and fuck if I know...

4. How about the scouting staff?
Jim Leyland was one, before a slightly better job came up.

5. What ballparks have you visited?
PETCO, Qualcomm, and Wrigley Field.

6. Do you do the wave?
Never.  I don't live in my team's city, so why would I?  And I certainly never do it while the home team is batting!  Stupid SoCal fans...

7. What is the tastiest ballpark food you've ever had?
None.  It makes me feel gross just thinking about it.

8. Is Wrigley Field really worth all its novelty?
Fuck your mother if you disagree.

9. Did you get sucked into all the Bonds hype?
Barry Bonds is quite possibly the greatest baseball player ever; steroids or not.  I'm glad to have seen him play.

10. Red Sox or Yankees?
Fuck 'em!  I almost hate the Red Sox more now because of their "supposed" underdog status.  Your 200 million dollar payroll says otherwise.  You won your World Series, now shut the fuck up for thenext 86 years.

11. Cubs or White Sox?
Cubs, god love 'em.

12. Giants or A's?
Giants, but they suck so hard.  But they've got better uniforms and a better ballpark.  And Omar Vizquel is my homeboy.

14. How much is too much for a beer?
Any much.

15. Would you rather be sat on by David Wells or Prince Fielder?:
Prince Fielder.  At least he could get up afterwards.

16. Have you ever met Tony LaRussa?
Not yet.  Who knows.  I'm still a little upset over how he handled Ozzie Smith's last season.

17. What's the longest-inning game you've watched?
On TV, I've watched at least a 15 inning game.

18. What's the longest-inning game you've attended?
Probably only 10 innings.

19. What's the worst you've gone through to attend a ballgame?
It was raining the morning of the Cubs game I went to, so we thought they'd cancel it.  The wind in the city (hehe, "Windy City") moved the rain out of town and we were able to make it by the 2nd inning.

20. Don't you hate it when games are rained out?
It's never happened to me, as you've read above.

21. You can give any MLB player a hug (without him having to call the cops or security.) Who is it?
Well, that's just weird.  This was written for women or something.  If they'd just won a big game, I guess Jim Edmonds.  He's my favorite player, and he's got more Gold Gloves than your mom's got teeth.

22. Are you on one of those migratory quests to visit every Major League Ballpark?
I'd love to.

23. The Milwaukee Sausages or the Pittsburgh Pirogies?
First of all, it's pierogis.  Second of all, I'd choose the sausage.  There's no way to make that sound un-gay.

24. In your ballgame-attending experience, what team has the most annoying fans?
I don't have much experience with many fans other than Padre fans.  They're kind of annoying because they don't know much about the game.  Dodger fans are pretty lame in general.  Yankees fans can eat a dick. 

25. Would you rather run into Ozzie Guillen or Lou Piniella in a dark alley?
Sweet Lou's is 64.  Ozzie's 43.  You do the math.

26. Are you/have you ever been "that guy?" (The guy who stands by the player's parking lot before and after each game with a binder full of baseball cards.)
Nah.  I'm too busy catching homeruns in batting practice.

27. Should Canada have another baseball team?
Sure, Vancouver.  The AL West needs another team.  But they should really move the Brewers back to the AL anyway.

28. The NL Central: it sure does suck, doesn't it?
Fuck you.  It's an off-year.

29. Who do you'll think we'll see in the World Series?
I'd guess Anaheim and... the Mets probably.  Kind of a snoozer but I'd root for the Angels.

30. And finally, who do you think will win it all?
Certainly not the Yankees!  HA-HA Fuck 'em!