Sleep-Diddling

Hey, kids! Now I bet you're wondering about the title of this blog. Oh, you're not? Well, thanks for nothin'!

Actually, I have a roommate (well, actually, I have 4 of them) and she (oh there's a clue!) tends to come home from work tired, and eventually and without fail, she passes out wherever and in whatever position. Who is this roommate? I'm not telling.

Anyhow, this got me thinking about classic Disney films and classical literature/fairy tales and how the prince character always awakens the female protagonist with a kiss. See, because if you pull that act out of context and de-romanticize it, that kiss qualifies as assault.

Imagine you're asleep, minding your own dreams, and somebody you hardly know plants a kiss on you. Isn't that so weird?

Take it a step further and you'll be in what I call sleep-diddling territory. Oh it starts off innocently enough. You brush a hair out of the person's face. Next thing you know, you're measuring the size of your hand versus the size of the person's face. Next thing you know, you're counting their eyelashes. And the next thing you know, you've got both hands circulating on their chest till they wake up disgusted and they punch you in the face. And then it's all "restraining order" time. It's a slippery slope is all I'm saying.

Now think about Snow White after she eats the poison apple. She falls asleep. She can't be wakened. Do you think that 7 lonely dwarves are just sitting around waiting for some prince to show up? Nah. Well, maybe Doc. He always struck me as impotent. But Bashful, shiiiiiiiiit. He's got a rapsheet longer than the Sioux City Strangler and it's all of a sexual nature. Or so I heard.

But even the Prince, charming or otherwise, do you honestly trust this person? I mean, he's rich. He's used to getting what he wants. You think if he knows all he's gotta do is kiss this chick he met at party and she wakes up, he's not gonna try anything funny? He's not gonna "sample the goods." Just a peak, you know? I'm just saying that Walt Disney was so naive. And those artists who worked for him, and drew "SEX" in the sky in the Lion King and gave the priest a hard-on inThe Little Mermaid, you think they weren't thinking it? You know they were. Probably drew it too, the sick fucks.

There's even an entire, albeit small, genre of porn called "Sleep Assault." In it the "actress" is "asleep" and the camera (generally handheld, the other hand I presume) gets closer and sure enough, the dude's got his cock out. And now he's touchin' her with it. And she doesn't wake up. So, you know, it's realistic. And then there's penetration. And she doesn't wake up. Further realism. Either that, or she's pleased (by the thoughfulness, I imagine). I didn't say it was particularly erotic or even entertaining. I'm just letting y'all know what's out there because you're on the internet, and I'm sure you've never seen anything weird on the internet...

Anyway, these are the things I think about when my roommate passes out on the couch next to me.

What? Don't give me that look. I didn't say I did anything. That's not me at all. I'm sus-scared of girls. I just think of weird shit. Don't you? No? Well, what good are ya?!

So that's my blog, kids. Sleep tight.

:-P Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Hello From Burbank

Hey, kids! I'm up in Burbank as I type this, in my new home. It's nice. It's like a new pair of shoes. I'm still kinda breaking 'em in. Afterall, I've only been here a day.

The move was painful. The drive was long. And wouldn't ya know it, the only traffic I encountered was in San Diego! But still, the 4 hours of sleep I had gotten did not make for an easy drive.

I got here at about 11:20am. My furniture was supposed to be delivered between noon and 3pm. To my surprise, the dudes showed up at noon, on the dot! To their surprise, they had to lift many heavy pieces of furniture, up many flights of stairs. I apologized. The furniture fit pretty snugly. Let's just say, it looks great, but stubbed toes are to be expected.

Then there was the unpacking of my car...

Remember those stairs I mentioned?

Yeah, I had to take all my stuff up those too. Add to that, we're in the middle townhouse. Add to that, I am not what they call "in shape". Add to that, it was humid.

What does that all equal?

Kickin' my ass.

It was tough, kids, I'm not gonna lie. I haven't sweated that much in a long time. I had a lot of shit to carry and unpack, including 3 whole boxes filled with DVDs. It was nuts but I actually feel okay today.

After all the boxes were in my room, I loaded my big ass into the shower. It was nice, once I figured out how the shower worked.

All the boxes are pretty much unpacked now and I feel pretty much at home. I went grocery shopping today. That was odd. I got the essentials. You know, cheese, pb and j, bread, pringles, soda (RC and Cactus Cooler, I was feeling interesting), and snapple.

I also stopped by Best Buy and picked up the new Jimmy Eat World CD, "Chase This Light". I've already listened to it twice. A bummer is that the CD came with an exclusive free download track, and I downloaded it, but it doesn't work for Macs. Bollocks, for my limey friends.

So here I sit in an L.A. suburb... It's crazy. But it's where I'm at. Where you at?

:-P Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Recentry

Hey, kids!  I haven't written in a while because I've actually been busy as all shit.  And the baseball playoffs started, but busy all the same!

So if you haven't heard, I'm moving to Burbank on the 15th of the month of our Lord (Lord being me, and the month being the month of October, in which I was born).  I'm getting on with this thing they call life. 

No, I have no job waiting for me, but thanks for asking.

I guess you could say that there are many jobs there waiting for me; they just don't know who me is yet.  But since I've changed the address on me resume, I've already gotten a call for an interview.  And that, my friends, is as many calls as I had received prior to that.  Shut up, it's progress!

Anyhow, the move means lots of things have to be done.  I've started packing up my stuff, of which there is a crapload.  I started off with my DVDs and wouldn't you know it, the first box of them was too heavy for me to carry.  I divided them into 3 boxes, threw in my PS2 and games, and that portion was done. 

Next, I went to my books, of which I have a modest collection.  I filled a medium sized box to the brim and was done.  I stood up to enjoy the spoils and wouldn't you know it, my back screamed at me like I just smacked it's momma.

This is incident number 2 for me now.  I suppose it's a good idea to count them.  The first time happened harmlessly at AutoZone, reaching down slightly for a domelight bulb.  And yipes, let me tell you!  I think my back actually came off the heezy.  My chiropractor said that a muscle probably just momentarily plucked a nerve but that damned nerve sure can hold a grudge like a bastard.  But alas, I was feeling better a few days later.

Of course, this time it's a little worse.  It's the same pain, at the same level, but it's just kicking around longer now.  And wouldn't you know it (you should), I've got shit to do!

I had to drive my big-ass, back pain and all, up to the LA to buy furniture for the new place.  Apparently, nobody in San Diego has a wearhouse, showroom, nor delivers north of Irvine.  And really, who the fuck lives in Irvine?!

So my mom and I headed up, with our GPS in the car, on Saturday.  And wouldn't you know it (I really assume a lot out of you), there was all sorts of traffic.  On a Saturday.  I wasn't really that shocked but I'd heard otherwise.

The first place we went had a whole lotta nothing.  Furniture incidently, hasn't really changed much since the late 1600s.  I really only saw one set that wouldn't make my room look like a fairy castle.  So I tried to buy it.  Tried being the key.

We had the deal done.  Done.  Done, I tell you.  But... They couldn't deliver until the end of the month.  All they could give me was the mattress and a nightstand.  Yeah, that'd be just like home, for two whole weeks, during which I'd be trying to find a job.  No thanks.  I mean, I know that I wanted a contemporary, but not so contemporary that it hasn't been made yet.

So we left there dejected, and headed through traffic and confusion to another place.  I should say here that I don't think our GPS has speed in mind when directing us.

Luckily, when we got to the next place, they had some really great stuff and decisions were made fairly easily and quickly.  Of course, they try to get you to buy the best mattress (and most expensive of course) and then the warranty packages, and for some reason, they really wanted me to get this mattress cover.  It really looked more like a bug net.  No thanks!  I don't eat nor drink on my bed.  I keeps it clean, for the ladies...

So we leave and begin the Sam and Frodo-like journey home.  Our GPS tells us to take the 101 south as opposed to the 134 to the 5, which of course nearly doubles our travel time, but I'm not bitter at that little box.  Although, it would be nice if it verbally told you what street to turn on, instead of "Turn right in .2 miles."  What the fuck is .2 miles?!  But I digress...

So by the time we'd gotten home it was 10:30pm, after starting out 12 hours earlier.  Not bad time, I suppose (and if sarcasm was the key to wealth, I'd have millions!).

Trip Totals: 

Duration: 12 hours
Total Miles: 340
CDs Listened To: 6
Fast Food Eaten: Too much.
Celebrities Sited: Zero.  Seriously, not even Pauly Shore.

But I got my furniture.  I've since packed up my comic books and taken the posters off of my bedroom walls.  Have I mentioned that I've got a crapload of shiot?  Well I do.  So if I don't write, you know what I'm doing.  And if you don't come to my birthday/going-away party, you won't see me (and I'm potentially writing you off).  So at least you'll have that going for you.

:-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

I'm serious.  Come to my party.