Thursday, June 28, 2007

DVDA-aron


Hey, kids!  So guess what I got in the mail on Tuesday?
It's the Fred's Friend: Super-Special-Extra-Terrestrial-Bonus-Ultimate-Kama-Classic-Sutra-Functional-Collectible-Biodegradable-Non-Negotiable-With-A-Cherry-On-Top-Edition DVD!!!
My filmie, on DVD, with all the fanciness of the latest Pauly Shore epic!
Here's what it's got:
-Fancy Labeling and Cover Art- Courtesy of Manny Uribe
-Fred's Friend: The Movie, at full-quality and with slight modifications from the version on my page.
-A Special Reinterpretation of one of the classic scenes from the film- by Gerry Saucedo
-2 Versions of the Deleted Scene from the script
-And not 1, not 2, but 3 Commentary Tracks by yours truly (that would be me)!  Spielberg doesn't do commentary tracks but I've done THREE!
It's a glorious masterwork, if I do say so myself.  Would you like to get in on the action, kids???  Well you can!
Reserve your copy today!  Only $5!  That's 5 bucks!  Only 5 smackaroos!All proceeds go to recouping the cost of the duplication.  Cast and crew receive free copies.
It's true that that doesn't sound like some sort of fancy charity, but, kids, the charity is me.  As you well know, I am unemployed and this did cost me a bit of money.  I don't expect to make any profits, so think of it as a non-profit donation!  Besides, remember all the goodies you get on the DVD!
As an added bonus, upon request, I will personally autograph the DVD to YOU at no extra charge ('cause really, who am I?!)!
Swipe them up before they're gone, gone, gone!  Send me a message to reserve your copy TODAY!
I really should've went into the circus.   :-P  Pbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Civil Disturbance


Hey, kids.  Welcome to another segment of:
'Buncha Savages In This Town Vol.2
Yes, kids, my car got egged again tonight.  For this second time this year, some filthy fucking miscreants decided to deface my automobile with an aborted chicken fetus.  I am SOoo pissed.  And can I just say,
"YOU FUCKING FUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not to those of you reading this, unless you're one of them... *points accusational finger wildly*
I was actually playing solitaire on my laptop, with my headphones on, listening to the iTunes when I heard my car alarm sorta go off.  It didn't go off all the way.  It just sounded off a few quick high-pitched chirps.  I surprisingly heard it through my tunes and so I paused everything.
My mom thought she had heard people outside but it must have been a car.  She and I could see something wet underneath my car, so  I went out and discovered the unneighborly atrocity.  My neighbor was outside but unfortunately didn't see anything.  They hit my car right below the driver's-side window.
"Ha-Ha!  You missed my window again, you fucking fucks!"
So I turned my car around and washed off the wasted protein paste.  It came off easily.  Getting to it quickly is the key.  You may remember the last time I blogged about this when I didn't get to clean my car quickly.  Luckily in that case, a high-powered hose was easy to find to do the job right.
Then I put on some socks and my shoes and my dad and I drove around the neighborhood.  I was hoping for a couple of things:
1. I was hoping that more cars were hit because:
    a. It would mean that the offense was random (as it seemed the 1st time)
    b. It would mean that I could follow a trail of some kind.
2. I was hoping that I just might find a group of kids hanging out outside their house with an empty egg carton. 
The latter was less likely and it also would've led to 2 whole other situations:
1. This angry whiteguy (me) gets out of his car (Layla) and at least attempts to pummel 2 or 3 high school kids at once (they'd rue the day...).
2. This angry whiteguy (me) sees them from his car (Layla) and gets their address (666 Asswipe Ave) or license plate (MSTRB8) and calls the police (non-emergency line).
Well, only the first option of this series actually happened.  We found a car way down at the beginning of the street that had also been hit.  They had not found out yet.
This leads me to the following conclusions:
1. The car had only 2 occupants, 1 driver, 1 passenger.
2. It was traveling northbound, again, because the affected vehicles were on the east side of the street (the passenger's-side).
3. Was it random though?  I can't say.  I don't know if the car down the street has been hit before, like mine, and the neighbor across from me wasn't hit this time.
4. The perpetrators have a total of ZERO dicks.  That's not to say that they were women, although they may have been... *points accusationally at all women*  But clearly, my greatest proof is that they, instead of ever-pursuing the ultimate goal of getting laid by some poor hapless chola (with the drawn-on eyebrows), these fucking fucks, these cocknozzles (<---T.M. by me), were more amused by ruining someone else's night and their opinion of this neighborhood, of San Diego, of California, and of humanity as a whole.
"Go die in a fire, you worthless bastards.  Burn, motherfuckers, burn."

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Causation


Hey, kids!  A study came out a little while back that said that only 8 percent of all Major League Baseball players are black today, less than half the numbers from 20 years ago.  Couldn't you just guess that I've got some theory as to why?  I do.  And the best part is: You don't have to buy a book to read about it (*cough* Dave Winfield).
Here goes:
Reason No. 1:  There just aren't enough useable diamonds.  Period.  I have always wanted to get games going and the struggle is always, "Where the fuck are we going to play?"  Half the parks you go to these days that have diamonds are being used by little leagues (which cost money, you'll start to see a theme here soon) and many others are even being used for other sports.  The problem isn't the leagues but I think that there has always been something to be said for getting together with your friends and starting something more spontaneously,Sandlot style!  Few of those places exist today.
Also keep in mind that after Columbine, high schools and middle school fields are locked up tighter than a virgin on prom night.  You need bolt cutters just to get near these fields and then you're invariable going to be chased away be some form of janitor eventually.  It really is sad.  You used to be able to go down to Montgomery Middle School where I live and walk your dogs, play handball, soccer, or tennis (which I miss) but now, no dice.  Security, they say.  Fuck that, I say.
Now most baseball "types" would also mention that the lack of fields problem is only exacerbated in "urban" neighborhoods.  That's PC for the ghetto.  I don't personally believe that that's the only place black people live anymore.  Call me new-fashioned.  It may be an element but not the whole issue. 
Other sports like football and basketball can be picked up pretty much anywhere in comparison.  Street football was very prevalent in my childhood.  Got a basketball hoop in your driveway?  Awesome.  When's the last time you met someone with a baseball diamond at their house?
And this stage (childhood) is where the passion is supposed to start too.  A major leaguer in the making needs this fire to drive them into a more serious pursuit of the game.
Reason No. 2:  Baseball requires more equipment to play than other sports.  Football requires a football.  Soccer, same thing (well, a futbol).  Basketball needs a hoop as well as a basketball.  Most parks have one and no bothersome leagues to get in your way.  Baseball requires a kid to have a ball, a glove, and bat.  And I believe we all know how easy it is to lose a baseball, either during a game or afterward.  Now it's not that much more than the other sports but it's just enough to put off someone on a fixed income.
And once someone starts to get more serious about baseball, the costs go up and the amount of equipment increases.  Now you need batting gloves (or not, if you're nuts), maybe a helmet, a cup (that's just smart thinking), cleats, and a better bat (the newer-fangled ones are $80+).  These are all things that a budding major leaguer will need.  Not to mention batting cage fees.
Again, I don't want to say that all black kids are poor, so I'm going to get into more of the cultural barriers that exist today.
Reason No. 3:  Baseball is not a hip-hop sport.  It's a hip-hop world, son.  That's a fact.  Hip-hop was created by Black Americans in the early 80's and has evolved into a mega-cultural power in the society of youths today.  White kids love it, black kids love it.  I don't, but what do I know?  Hip-hop is represented in clothing, jewelry, shoes, dialects/grammar, and MTV Cribs ambitions.  You see an 8 year old with an iPod, you think he's listening to the Wiggles?  Nah, man.  He's rockin' the latest by 50 or Jay-Z's greatest hits.  And god bless that kid, the Wiggles lick balls.
And what sports exude the hip-hop lifestyle and apparel?  The answers are football and basketball.  The number of black superstars in those respective sports definitely has an effect.  Part of it also has to with the amount of big hits and slam dunks that appear on Sportscenter everynight.  What kind of songs do you hear during those highlights?  That's what I thought.  And hip-hop artists, what are their sports of choice?  It ain't baseball.  Maybe Nelly's, but that's about it.  I repeat, it's a hip-hop world, son, and you're living in it.
Reason No. 4:  Baseball has an extensive minor league system.  When a good football or basketball player comes out of college (if they go), they start in the big leagues fairly immediately.  The NBA now has a development league but it seems that the majority of drafted players hit the NBA right off, barring any major problems.  Football has no minor leagues.  It's college to pro.  From there you work hard and you might start.
If you're drafted in baseball, as early as out of high school, you've gotta go through rookie ball, Single-A, Double-A, and Triple-A before you can even sniff "the show."
And let's even take salaries into consideration here.  The league minimum for the NFL is $1.3 million with around 55 players per team.  The NBA average low-salary is $4.9 million with only 12-man teams.  The Major League Baseball league minimum is $300,000 with 25-man rosters.  And that's "the show."  Minor league players can earn so little that they have to stay with "foster families" in their team's town.  So low that they can't afford an apartment!  No wonder it's less appealing to a kid who wants to have the big house with the Mercedeses.
I hope that I've made sense here.  To be quite honest, this blog has taken so long to write, I probably lost my train of thought dozens of times.  If I missed anything, please enlighten me.  Agree, disagree?  Cool.  I just wanted to show that the issue is complicated and how hard it will be to fix.  I love the game and I want it to succeed, for everybody.  Ponder it, kids.  My head hurts.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Live Free or Die Soft Apparently


Hey, kids!  So a few days ago I was watching the tube (you know, the TV), and a commercial came on for the new Die Hard movie, Die Hard 4 as I refer to it.  It got to the end of the trailer and then that movie voice guy said, "This film is not yet rated."
And I started thinking, "What the fuck is the question here?!  Don't tell me they are trying to get a PG-13."
Oh, I hate it when I'm right.
Yesterday, I saw the same exact trailer on TV and guess what: it is now Rated-PG-13.
YOU FUCKING FUCKS!
It kills me.  All three Die Hards were Rated-R, and they were GREAT!  Well, maybe not Die Hard 2.  But they never shied away from violence, language, or even a little nudity.  John McClane kills people, HARD.  It's cool.
Now, who knows if he can even say MOTHERFUCKER!  Hello?!  It's his catchphrase.  It's Bruce Willis's "I'll be back."  It's bad enough that there's a goofy ass title on the film, that John McClane's head is completely shaved (which I don't believe the character would do), and that he's paired with the fucking Mac guy (he's not Sam Jackson!).  But why?  Why must they water it down?!
It's as if the only films Rated-R anymore are horror films.  You can't have an action film unless kids can see it.  Fuck that!  And fuck kids!  It's an action movie!  Shit is supposed to happen!  People are supposed to get shot to shit and John McClane is supposed to break peoples' necks and shit.  What, does he have to arrest people now?!
Fuck that.  Fuck the MPAA.  Fuck the distributor of this film.  And fuck the director for letting it happen and fuck everyone else involved in screwing the pooch on this one.  May you all take a flying leap off of Nakatomi Tower, you fucking fucks!
Where are the Gruber brothers when they'd truly be useful?  Oh yeah, John McClane killed their monkey-asses!  Apparently that wasn't PC enough.
Die Soft, motherfuckers.   Argh!

Friday, June 8, 2007

A-Ron of the Dead


Zombies are about to attack us and you only have your Top 8 friends to go to war with you....

1. Gerry
2. Isaiah
3. Merilynn
4. Butch
5. Jasmin
6. Omar
7. Amanda
8. Ivan
Who is the fastest?  Probably Isaiah.  I hope he's slept before this though.
Who is the most logical and strategic?  Ivan.  And he's got a degree in Biology!  So he'll keep us alive and he'll cure everything.  Hopefully.
Who would you entrust to carry the food?  Also, Ivan.  He's a vegetarian so he's unlikely to eat any of it, let alone more than his share.
Who would carry the weapons and ammo?  Everyone.  That shit will save your lives!  I get the coolest gun though.  Desert Eagle 50 Caliber.  Sweet.
Who would drive the car?  We're taking Omar's truck because that could run over like 900 zombies.  And it's got a DVD player!
Who would you eat if you ran out of provisions?  I'd say Gerry because he'd be delicious but that means we'd have to shave him first.  We don't have time for that.  Next most delicious: Omar.  Don't worry, buddy.  I'll drive.
Who would slow you down?  Merilynn would if she's in her crazy-shoes.  Also if she's scoping out the zombies for hot guys.
Is there anyone who you don't think will make it?  You're all surviving if I've got anything to say about it!  No one dies.  Ever.
Would you shoot number 1 if they were bitten and going to turn?  So long as I hadn't eaten a California Burrito within 3 days of the zombie wave, I don't think Gerry'd come after me.  But if he did, it'd be tough, but necessary.  Sorry, dude.
Who would be bait to a booby-trap?  Butch because once he baits them (hehe, "baits" them), he could do the Thriller dance and intermix with the zombies and then get back to us.
Who would mutinize your leadership?  No one.  I lead.  It's what I do.  I'm like Jack on Lost, or Jack Bauer!
Who would be the hero?  Everyone who survives is a hero.  Everyone wins, until they're dead.  Just like life.
Who would you sleep with when you realized you could die?  Merilynn, Jasmin, and Amanda all at once.  Think about it!  For at least a while, the zombies would think that the girls are eating me.  It's both horny, and logical.  Such is Aaron...
Who would take one for the team?  I think Jasmin would.  She's an actress so she'd be interested in seeing the situation from the zombies' point of view.
Would you sacrifice yourself for number 7?  For Amanda?  I don't know.  I'm such a fighter, I don't see myself perishing.  Strong like bull!  But I am chivalrous... So yeah.
YOU'VE BEEN BITTEN!!!!!! Who's brains do you eat first?  Oh crap, I'm undead.  I guess I'd go for the one with the biggest brain.  Ivan, you former Banana Slug, you, get over here!  LAaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Thanks for playing, kids.  :-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

An Ode To Kiefer


Hey, kids!  I realize that I've been somewhat out of commission since the last blog.  There are two reasons for this:
1. I had a cold.  It was a head cold that savagely attacked my sinuses and my throat.  It made thinking largely impossible, and I generally try to do that when I write.
2.  I was chest-deep in a 24 fest.
24 is, by far, one of the greatest TV shows ever and if you haven't seen it, I guarantee you should.  You will like.  Is niiiiiiiice.  Circuit City had a sale on Seasons 1 thru 5 for $21 each.  Needless to say, being the DVD addict that I am and combining that with my 24 addiction on the "snail TV", this sale was extremely hard to pass up.
I should also mention here that I hadn't seen Seasons 1 thru 4.  Gerry got me started with the Season 5 (or Day 5) premier.
So I went down and bought those DVDs the fuck up.  I know what you're thinking, "Aaron, why didn't you just watch them on the internet?  Or download them?  Or rent them via Netflix or Blockbuster?"
To which I say, "NO QUESTIONS!!!"
And then I politely explain my policy of: If it's worth watching, it's worth owning.  For examples: See my ScrubsSeinfeldMr. BeanBenny Hill,  and Monty Python's Flying Circus DVD collections.  Keep in mind that I haven't even watched much of the latter 4 collections, yet.
24 is just different.  If you've watched, you know that the addiction is something fierce.  Each episode carries into another, storylines cross over, and climaxes remain unresolved from show to show.  It's like the old potato chip ads: You canwatch just one.  And going into this, KieferFest, I knew what conditions certain relationships were in, who was alive (and who wasn't), and yet, I still couldn't wait to see how it all got there.  It's much like the "new trilogy" of Star Wars films (Episodes I, II, and III).  Ignoring the fact they those sucked so hard, you still couldn't help the desire to see how things got to Luke and Leia and Han (if you're any kind of man at all).
Now, could I have been out searching for a job?  Yes, but shut up.  Could I have been out making movies?  Yes, but shut up.  Could I have been outside, enjoying the sunshine or the beach?  Man, you really don't know me at all.  Yes, now shut up.
Obviously the cold had some effect on my answers to the above questions but in the end, I can only say that for the most insanely rabid reasons, I chose 24instead.  It's just too good.  Jack Bauer is my hero.  Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland (seriously, that's his full name) is my homeboy. 
Anyone got a problem with that can see me in my office.
"Why?"
'Cause you're fuckin' fired.  :-P  Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!