Hey kids! Now that school is all over and I finished my Christmas shopping (in less than 4 hours, beat that!), it's time for me to get back to what I do best: Gripe about shit that doesn't really concern me!
-Retro Bullshit Music- This is perpetrated most apparently by Christina Aguilera. Her new album sounds like some horrible 30s-style nonsense. Even worse, it kinda sounds like "Mambo No.5". LET'S MOVE THE FUCK ON! It's 2006 and we're trying to rehash the 30s?! Move forward! Seriously, what is there to gain from re-living 70 years ago? Nothing. Create something new. Gwen Stefani's new album may in fact be psychotic but at least it's progress. Seriously, that girl is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
-Chunky Soup Ads- First of all, I don't give a fuck what NFL players eat. I just want to see them get out there and beat each other and maybe, just maybe, somebody leaves on a stretcher. These are modest hopes, I know. But these Chunky Soup commercials not only tell me what they eat to get "big and strong" but it also tells me that they rely on their mothers to feed them. Because nothing says, "big and tough" like: Mom's gonna make me some meat-soup!
-Clerks II Credits- Hey for those of you that own the DVD and have really good eye-sight, you can find my name in the credits after the real credits after the real film, as opposed to the fake film (???). Here's how: From the start of the "Final Credits," fast forward 1 minute and 20 seconds and hit pause. Then scoot forward frame by frame till you see my name on the left-middle section (or second from the left section). Then enjoy the next 22 frames until my name disappears. Hollywood, here I come...
-Robin Williams- It's a sad day when I have to bag on somebody that I have met and enjoyed. Sorry, Robin. It's just your time. You're just trying too hard right now. Your impressions of "ghetto people" are really showing your age and ethnicity. You repeat the same material on different networks and in interviews. And most unfortunately, your seemingly less funny than you are disruptive. This is rectifiable (is that a word? If not, I own it!). Please, fix yourself.
-Mater- In the movie, Cars, there is a tow truck character who explains that his name is "Mater. Like Tuhmater, without the Tuh." I have no problem with the joke itself. My problem is with it being apparently the only repeatable line from the movie. I haven't seen the movie. I don't care to. Cars that talk, why??? But I digress... People who've seen the movie, and maybe this is just in my own house, seem to think that when they repeat this line, that it is somehow supposed to be funny to everybody. No. "You had to be there, I guess." No. Stop it.
-Miss USA- This is such a ridiculous controversy. So the girl drank while underage and made out with Miss Teen USA, who cares (but where is the video, huh-huh)?! I think that her actions actually more accurately represent her peers than people'd like to admit. Fuck it! Go to any high school. Any. You will find underage girls swilling brewskis and doing all manner of wrongness everywhere you turn. Who gives a shit?! And honestly, what standards could a contest that's results are 2/3rds based on clothing appearance possibly have?! Get used to it. You're lame. And our daughters, sisters, and our cousins are all drunken whores. It's what it is. Change reality, not your stupid contest results.
-Time Magazine- You lazy fucks. They recently named their "Person of the Year" every single person who looks at the magazine. That is so retarded, I can't even describe it. Speaking only for myself, I can tell you that I am worthy of no such honor. I eat too much, I sleep too much, I watch too much TV, I curse constantly (especially when I spot Bullshit), and I hardly care about anyone at all (slight exaggeration). You want to award that?! Fuck you. I quit!
-The Suicide Girls- I don't understand how these chicks are in the top blogs everyday and I really don't understand the fascination with them at all. I'm all for recognizing beauty in all of it's shapes and forms (hell, bring it on) but I just don't see the point in this particular group. It's like, "let's take a bunch of chicks with beautiful faces, bodies, and unique personalities, tat the shit out of them (I mean, to gross proportions), and then sell it as somehow more artful than Playboy!" It's nonsense.
Ladies, do whatever you want to yourselves. If tattoos are how you feel you need to express yourselves, that's fine. But don't be offended if I think you just ruined a work of art by putting a work of art on yourself. The craze has gone way too far and it's getting gross. But don't worry about pleasing me. I'm just one lunatic in the world. But you're not pleasing to look at anymore either. And forthat, I am truly sorry.
So that's what I've got for today, kids. Agree, disagree, we're just bricks in the wall. High-Five! Oh yeah. :-P Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!
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