Wait for it... Wait for it...

Here it comes, kids.  It's a never-ending struggle within my own head that I now bring to you (whether you want it or not).

It's an EMO BLOG!

Well, here I am.  A month and a half removed from a relationship that I thought had potential (maybe even real potential this time) but it ended because she was too busy and needed time for herself (actual truth, I've sought expert witnesses).  Of course, she still wanted to be friends but I know what it's like to want somebody, who's literally right there, that you can't have in that way and so after some thought, I told her I couldn't do it.  I didn't want to put myself through it, again. 

I deleted her number, deleted her from my Friend's List, and even went as far as deleting all her comments (you all might have noticed, if you pay that close attention but I don't expect you to) because they reminded me too much of what was going right with us.  I know myself well enough to know that when "things don't work out" with a girl, I need space so I can heal.  I need time to get over it.  And deleting all that stuff helps.  It becomes a clean break.

But of course there was a snag.  She remained a blog subscriber (I love you all) until last week.  So I was never totally rid of her and I was powerless to become so.

What also helps me get over someone is being able to say, "That bitch is crazy" or "I'm better off" or "That wouldn't have worked anyway."  It puts a positive on the way things worked out.  But I haven't been able to find that for her.  It's not that there aren't other girls out there or that I'm in any kind of hurry to find one (though the clock is ticking before I move to Hollywood, January or February, people, Get your fill of me).  This girl was, or is, unique.  You know, in the good ways.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm full of shit but it has possessed my thoughts for this past month and change.  Nary a day has gone by where I haven't checked her MySpace (the record was about 3 days in a row where I didn't, "That's what we call a winning-streak...").  The fact that she has a music page (cause she's a musician) hasn't made things easier.  I get on her page, wait for the music player to load and click stop 50 billion times so I don't hear one note.  Her songs are still in my head though.  So it's been really tough.

MySpace doesn't help, I've noticed.  This is girl numero 2 that has had a page and no matter what you do, in a moment of weakness you can be right back there.  It's the cyberspace equivalent of driving past her house late at night (which I've seriously never done, ever, with any girl).  But my restraint wains, including just before I wrote this.  I even hit "Add to Friends" this time and thought of what I should say but nothing seems right. 

I mean, I want her back in my life, it was good to have her there.  But it wasn't that serious between us.  We were on the brink, I think.  My confidence wainspost hoc too.  So I'm kind of a wreck about it.  I don't know what to do.  What will I gain?  Not in the material sense; it's almost like, what do I risk?  Hurting again?  Hurting more?  Will it ever be enough?  What's the point?  Does it make me seem clingy?  I don't have answers to these questions.

I've always been (or at least have been for a while) the kind of guy who throws caution to the wind when it comes to my heart.  I just say what I'm feeling because at least it's out there.  As I've matured, I've learned to be reserved about it because nobody likes an emo lunatic (except an emo lunatic, which I'm not into).  I don't want to say things that I don't feel just to "win," you know?  I've said some pretty ridiculous shit in my short time on this oscillating blue orb called Earth, and believe me, I don't ever want to repeat that nonsense. 

But I do want to "win."  Just not at the cost of my integrity.  I don't want to over-inflate my feelings.  A word like "love" would be unnatural (way too soon) and inappropiate in this case and I want to save that word for when it's truly there.  Here, it would have been a lie, or madness.

Ah goddammit.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  It's helping to get it out of me.  This man loves catharsis.  Maybe this is juvenile but at the very least, it's keeping me from doing what I almost did before I wrote this.  Your opinions are welcomed, in a comment or something more private.  I know the details aren't all here but just understand that I take this very seriously and I wouldn't bother my blog-buddies if it wasn't real for me.  I hope things are going better for you all. 

I'll be okay, eventually.