My M.I.

There are some things that don’t get talked about that should. This isn’t some copy and paste job. This is real stuff from me. It’s a bit of a novel so buckle up.

A year ago today, we found out we were having a baby. It was great news, 2 and half years in the making.

We started trying for a baby on our honeymoon in August of 2017, in Paris. How romantic, right? I loved the city as soon as we touched down and what could be sweeter than conceiving our first child in the City of Love? A month later, no luck. Okay, this takes time. Practice makes perfect, and the practice, well, it’s way more fun than shooting free throws.

Some comedians and shows like Scrubs have covered it but trying to have a baby can be very unromantic. Pretty utilitarian really. Nothing kills spontaneity like WE HAVE TO DO THIS. Still beats digging ditches though so don’t think I’m complaining too much.

After about a year of trying and “pulling the goalie” (which is my favorite euphemism for this), Leah went to her doctor to get checked out. A few uncomfortable tests, acupuncture, and some gross ass tea later, the verdict was that Leah had plenty of eggs and no obstructions. If it didn’t literally happen, I could certainly feel everyone involved slowly turn toward me.

I’m definitely not too macho to have thought that this was a possibility. I mean, I’ve never gotten anyone else pregnant. THAT I KNOW OF... No seriously, nobody. 100% certain. I didn’t exactly “throw it around” in my single days. I mean, I would have but no one seemed that interested.

As you might imagine, the first test for a guy is to squirt in a cup. It’s one of the more humiliating things you can do in life. I know it’s no gynecological exam but it’s still super weird. I went to some fancy place in Santa Monica with a waiting room that couldn’t have been more crowded. Being there as one guy, not a couple, it had to have been pretty obvious what I was there for.

I’m not going to go into any graphic details but I’ll just say the room is super small, the chair is weird, and the walls are super thin. Oh yeah and you have to hand your sample to someone personally. I felt like I could hear the person say “that’s it?” I felt the same way really. But I was also thinking “this isn’t exactly my best because this is all fucking weird!” And I left. Pro Tip: Hydrate. It helps.

I got the results about 10 days later. Low sperm count. Low motility. And correspondingly, low self esteem. At this point, I was also doing blood work with my primary. The strange thing that they found was that everything was fine except my testosterone was low. Like real low. It seemed crazy. I mean, I am an athlete. I play the sports.

At this point, we thought I should go see a urologist. I mentioned this to the doctor who was filling in for my primary, a guy my age who was cool, who said “Dude, you don’t need a urologist, you should go see an endocrinologist!” I think this was a really pivotal moment. Keep in mind that time is also passing. We’re probably a year and half in at this point.

I get in to see the endocrinologist and get some additional blood work and it turns out, not only is my testosterone low, but this stuff called prolactin is high. I’d never heard of it. The other confusing part was that, at the levels I was at, I should’ve had remarkably low energy and erectile dysfunction. I’d never call myself high energy but for sure all of the plumbing works. No complaints from the Mrs.! So that was weird.

My endocrinologist informed me that it’s actually something that she’s seeing more and more among men in their 30s. She ordered an MRI for my head. My brain. It might literally be in my head. So after a midday softball game, I quietly went to get my head examined.

Incidentally, I got an “open” MRI because I know I can get a little claustrophobic. The open MRI is not any less claustrophobic. It’s like a panini press in that your arms are able to be out but it’s still just as loud and in your face as a regular MRI. And it might take longer. Do not recommend.

We get the results back and, as my endocrinologist suspected, I had a tumor on my pituitary gland. A prolactinoma. It’s benign, it’s not harmful, and it can be treated with medication. It was causing my elevated levels of prolactin and it turn squashing my testosterone. She prescribed a medication and I began taking it, on Valentine’s Day, because romance.

I was told it would take time to work but honestly it felt immediate. I had a little more energy but what was really striking was that my sex drive went bananas. Like back to high school. Off the charts. Couldn’t have been great to be Leah at that time. Unless you like being chased around like the animatronics that used to be in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. You’ll have to ask her. It’s not even so much that I bothered her about it. It was more that it was all consuming in my head when we were together. It did eventually level off.

It’s not so much that the medication actually takes time to work, it’s more that the male body takes time. It takes about 90 days for sperm to be made and mature into baby makers. 3 months pass and I go make another “donation” into a cup. Improvement but not great yet.

I think that the doctors were fairly sure that we could conceive via IVF (in vitro fertilization) the entire time but it is so expensive and so tough on the mother, we were hoping to avoid it.

After probably 6 more months and it’s time for another “donation.” This time I got to do it at home and drop it off at a lab. Definitely not any more romantic and the added pressure of getting the sample to the lab in time, which with pre-covid LA traffic that could be tough. These donations are not free by the way. $300 for Santa Monica (because my sample had an ocean view?) and $150 for each of the next 2 in the valley (818 till I die). Insurance covers none of this. Yay, capitalism!

The results come back much the same and things felt grim. It was really disheartening wanting to give Leah a child, someone who deserves to be a mom, that I know will be great at it, and at the same time having to wait for the meds to do their job. There’s also a feeling of being less of a man, which may or may not be real in 2021, but it certainly felt like other men had this so easy.

I remember all the doctors saying that weight loss would help. Now I understand that. But I’ve also lived most of my life defying doctors’ expectations as an overweight person by not having high blood pressure or cholesterol or blood sugar (not anymore, thanks, Covid! ). So I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder with that. Even in sports, I hate to be boxed in by my size. I can play shortstop. I don’t have to be an offensive lineman. I can move!

And also, to be quite frank, there are a lot of absolute dump trucks out there in America that get people pregnant everyday. How can weight be the only issue for me but not them?!

I ask to see the best urologist in LA just to cover all of my bases. I go see him and he “manhandles” me a bit, looks over my results, asks similar questions I’ve already answered, and has me get some more bloodwork. It comes back and he puts me on one more medication.

Oddly enough it’s the same drug Manny Ramirez was caught and suspended for using. Steroid users take it to keep their estrogen from spiking as they cycle off (and they don’t grow boobs). So there go my Olympic dreams.

4 months later puts us at 1 year ago, when Leah is a full week late and we excitedly take upwards of 5 pregnancy tests. They all come back positive and Ruby is a little over 4 months old today. I let the urologist know and he assumed it was through IVF. When I told him it was natural (good old American porkin’), he responded “Outstanding!!!” And I haven’t spoken to him since. I stopped taking his drug.

I have since had more blood work and another MRI and they couldn’t see the tumor anymore. My levels are still a little wonky so I may be on this first medication for the rest of my life. It’s a pretty low dose and I could use the exercise (of chasing Leah around).

I post ALL OF THIS because think it’s important that male infertility gets talked about. I think it’s important to know that it happens and it’s not your fault. I had a hormone imbalance and I had no idea. I can’t recommend endocrinology enough. So much of our lives and our minds are driven by our hormones, we don’t even know it. Get checked, will ya?