Hey, kids. I'm feeling pretty blah today. I don't know why. I figure it must be a combination of things. My sleep has been weird the past few days. I've slept plenty of hours. I'm not an insomniac again or anything. I just haven't been sleeping well, I guess. I've been tossing and turning and waking up and half-waking up and when I actually wake up, I feel pretty tired and awful.
If I have something that I absolutely have to do, I can get it going. But I still feel kinda shitty around all of it.
I think maybe it's because I can feel things closing around me. Not literally because believe me I'd move away from falling objects. It's more like, graduation is coming up and I don't feel like I've done anything since I actually took my last class. And I've got this deadline in my head, June 1st, where I think I've got to move to L.A. by then or I've already failed. And then I'm scared of when I get there and if things will happen for me. I know how I am, I can't be that way up there.
I can't waste the time that I do down here. I'll need to make money to afford all the stuff you guys all have to already. I have to get off my ass, daily, motherfucker. And then it's like, "Oh shit. Is the film business gonna start to feel like a job? Am I gonna hate it because it's gonna be so demanding?" I don't know the answers. I'd like to say no. But if I'm not doing what I want to do, I don't know if I'll have the patience and the willpower to do some shitty things. This isn't gonna be a hobby anymore. Wow, that sucks.
A new place, a new way of living, a (or a series of) new job(s). It's scary. All 3 things at once too. But I can't stay here in San Diego. The work just isn't here. It might be bigger in 5 or 10 years but I can't fathom the thought of getting a 9 to 5 and waiting it out, while making movies on the weekends.
I just used to look up there with so much hope but sometimes, like tonight, I just can't see it. It's gotta just be the fear of the unknown and the anxiety and the nerves are normal. But sometimes I feel so much worse because I don't think I am the go-getter, the bread winner, the guy who makes his own breaks, and keeps moving forward in a positive way.
I mean, every job I've ever had I've kept at a distance. I definitely made some great friends but the job itself has never meant anything. Here's a brief list:
Phone Surveys (3 months): Just needed to pay off a ring I bought my high school girlfriend (stupid fuck, her and me). Got out of there first excuse I could think of.
Staff Pro (2 years): At first it was, "I get to watch concerts!" After a while, I hated doing concerts, so I didn't. A lot of people really suck. Go to any concert, you'll see. Then it was conventions. Mostly boring, luckily just on the weekends. Pay was pretty low.
The Convention Center (3 years, 4 months): At first I thought that the hours and the pay was better, and they were. I had to pay off my car too. More office political bullshit, boring posts, exposure to bad weather. But it was only on the weekends. Paid off my car. Then came my film classes. Had to cut down my hours. Didn't make any money, well, hardly any. The last year or so, I hated being there, everyday I went in. And I wasn't particularly shy about that. Then I graduated and quit the next day.
See, so I worry about things getting like that. I know that film is supposed to bemy field and whatnot but will it wear me down and get corrupted like everything else? I hope not. I don't have any assurance that it won't. I'm probably just rambling at this point so feel free to tune out.
I just hope that when I get to L.A. that things will make sense, that I will see a path to the top. Because right now all I see are dreams and figments of things I want to believe are possible, and all the odds that tell me how hard it is. And I'm doubting my ability to fight because sometimes I don't feel like I want it enough or as much as the people I see doing so much more. Maybe I'll just get lucky. I have in the past. Maybe things will just magically work. It's possible.
And then there's my love life...
Oh fuck, I'm not getting into that.
This one's been kind of a downer, kids. I would apologize but I won't. This is where I'm at, today, right now. Blah...
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