Hey, kids! It's Friday and it's time to stick it to the man (when isn't it?), so here I go with my complaining:
Dial for Men: Bodywash- You've seen these ads, with the dudes and the tuba about how "manly men" get clean. Bullshit! There's a fundamental flaw before the commercial even starts: REAL MANLY MEN DON'T USE BODYWASH!!! Men use soap. No lather thingies, just soap. Now go blow your "mansuit."
Rolling Rock- Have you guys seen the ads they have where they apologize for their SuperBowl ad? The thing is: THEY DIDN'T HAVE A SUPERBOWL AD! In fact, I saw this commercial on the Friday before the SuperBowl. It's more than midly retarded to air a commercial that apologizes for an ad that has yet to run, wouldn't ya think? Especially when said ad never happened. And yet they wouldn't let a guy propose for $2.5 million?!
Charles Schwab- As you can probably guess I've been watching A LOT of commercials. Anyway, in this unnecessarily cartoon animated ad, a woman is talking about all the small charges on her investments and she says, "It's like someone spent their whole day trying to come up with ways to nickle and dime us." Hello?! This is America. Ordinary people get fucked and screwed (and not in the fun way) everyday of every year, ever. Don't look so surprised, ya jackass.
Ford F-150- Now, the F-150 is a fine automobile, let me start by saying that. But the commercial where they drive one through a birthday cake is SOoo fake it's not cool. The commercial is about how tough and strong the truck is and yet, they didn't even have the balls to drive through a real fucking cake. It's odd. Why use cheap computer effects? Isn't your truck tough enough? Well, that's what you said. It's cake, man. Blow through that motherfucker! Yeah. That'd be tough.
Anna Nicole Smith- You had to know this was coming. She died. Sucks for her. Let's move on. No seriously, Access Hollywood, let's move on! Leave her alone! Walk away, just walk away! Oh, you sick fucks.
Robin Thicke- Now, the last thing I want to do is bag on anything even vaguely related to Alan Thicke (Dr. Jason Seaver), but his son's "music" fucking sucks. It's horrendous. I've never heard such a blatant grab for chicks before. He's got this crazy-lame falsetto voice and then his videos are all about him making out with hot chicks. Now I know you're saying, "But Aaron, who wouldn't?" I just think it could be less obvious and, maybe, just maybe, his songs could lick lessballs. Maybe.
UFC- Anyone else tired of this bullshit? I sure am. Nowhere in humanity has it been the precedent to honor men with cauliflower ears this much. I'm all for 2 dudes kicking the shit out of each other, but that's hardly what you see when you watch this stuff. It's more like 2 dudes circling each other for 2 minutes and then holding each other down for the remaining minute of the round. And tell me ladies, do the cauliflower ears get 'ya wet? Gosh I hope not.
Evanescence- I want to start by saying that I really liked these folks when they came out. Amy Lee is an uber-hottie and with that voice mixed with distorted guitars, wowee, wow, wow. And then came the ballads. Okay. With her voice, it's expected. I got no problem with ballads, generally speaking. But with their new album, it seems that that's all they do now. That's just based on the singles so far released. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm wrong here but I'd hate to see them go down the tubes unless someone else is gonna pick up after them. I heard Jada Pinkett's in a band just like them and she does the singing. That's simply rad, folks.
And finally...
Lee Harvey Oswald- Well, kids, big news. I am now convinced that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and killed J.F.K. I've seen 2 high quality documentaries on the History and Discovery channels that proved it forensically. I can't logically refute that. It makes me kind of sad because JFK is one of my Top 10 favorite movies. Still, as a work of fiction, it is brilliantly made and regardless, makes me wish for better times and a better nation and new heroes (i.e. new JFKs). Oh well.
So on that note, it's goodbye, kiddies. I'm sure you guys have gripes. Let me hear 'em. Or not. High-Five! :-P Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!
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