"Home" For The Holiday

Hey, kids!  So I'm back in San Diego for 5 days to celebrate Thanksgiving.  It's actually my least favorite holiday of the year.  The idea of it is fine, although, why not appreciate things everyday rather than on one random Thursday in November?!  But it's mostly because I don't like turkey.  Never have, never will.  There are fine cooks in my family so that's not the problem.  I'm just not a big fan of birds.  Chicken too.  The only fowl I like is the kind that hardly resembles a former living creature (i.e. nuggets, fillets, or patties).  Call me weird.  Seriously, I could give a fuck.

The part that's weirder this year is that I'm home.  Home.  But it doesn't really feel like home anymore.  LA feels like home now.  It's odd saying that but it's true.  Even though I'm only partially "living" there (no job = hardly alive), I take comfort in being there now.  I come here to San Diego after a month and change of living away and it feels odd.  I don't want to touch anything, almost like when you go to a friend's house you've never been to. 

But I have been here.  It was almost 20 years before I moved.  But now there's a new puppy, a new TV, my room is gone, and my parents are planning more major reconfiguring of all the rooms.  I guess it's kind of like Garden State, when Zach Braff talks about home being more of a feeling than an actual place.  ZB knows.  ZB is wise.

I guess I just really like where I am in LA.  And it's not like I ran back here feeling some separation anxiety.  I love to see my friends and family and that's still great but this house just isn't.  And that's so weird because it was so hard to leave.  I'm kinda sad.  I may also be delusional (it's always an option that I acknowledge).

So I guess what I'm saying, kids, is: don't leave home.  No, that's not right.  But believe me when I say that home is where the heart is (cliche, I know).  My heart's just in Burbank, I guess... Maybe it has been all along... No, now I'm just being delusional.  

Happy Thanksgiving, kids.

:-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Long Dong Survey

DO YOU

Play an instrument?: I'm slowly remembering the guitar.

Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: Unfortunately, I'm probably close. Hire me!

Like to sing?: In the comfort of my loneliness.

Have a job?: Um, no.

Have a mobile?: My parents have a motorhome. Who wrote this? David Beckham? Fuck that guy.

Like to play sport?: David Beckham is retarded. Yes, I like sport.

Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Negative.

Have a crush on someone?: I'll have to get back to you on that.

Live out side Australia?: Oh, I see why this is horribly written. Yes, yes I do.

Have special talents/ skills?: Ear wiggling and sheer animal magnetism.

Exercise daily?: My mind. My body's a little broken right now.

Like school?: I did at times.

Sing the alphabet backwards?: Why sing it? I can but no singies.

Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?: Is there any other way?

Speak another language?: Si. Yo speako.

Go a day without food?: If I'm shooting a movie, there is no food nor bathrooms. But there is water and lots of it.

Stay up for more than 24 hours?: I did on All Hallow's Eve.

Roll your tongue?: No. My tongue has curves not rolls, which is way hotter.

Eat a whole pizza?: Oh shit yeah.

HAVE YOU EVER

Snuck out of the house?: Never had to.

Cried to get out of trouble?: Why do you keep yelling at me...?

Gotten lost in your city?: Seriously, where is Burbank?

Seen a shooting star?: Stars cannot be trusted.

Been to any other countries besides Australia?: Let Australia go! MEXICO!!!

Had a serious surgery?: Wisdom teeth. Oh, and I've been scoped and probed like a bastard.

Stolen something important to someone else?: I doubt it.

Solved a rubiks cube?: Fuck no. I've had sex.

Gone out in public in your pajamas?: I hardly leave my room in pajamas.

Cried over a girl?: You crazy bitches...

Cried over a boy?: No.

Kissed a random stranger? Uh, pretty much.

Hugged a random stranger?: It's the only way.

Been in a fist fight?: Luckily not.

Been arrested?: No. I'm a good boy. And a gangsta!

Done drugs?: No. I'm a good boy.

Had alcohol?: Yes, everyone.

Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: Oh yeah.

Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: No.

Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/ ect.?: I think so... Clearly, I still don't know.

Swore at your parents?: I try not to.

Kicked a guy where it hurts?: The deadliest weapon I know.

Been in love?: Not actually, you saucy minx.

Been close to love?: I doubt it.

Been to a casino?: Lost my share o'dollas.

Ran over an animal and killed it?: A cat. It was unavoidable and I was horrified.

Broken a bone?: Left wrist.

Gotten stitches?: Never.

Had a water ballon fight in winter?: No.

Drank a whole gallon of milk in an hour?: You'd die. Stupid fucking fratboys...

Made home made muffins?: No.

Bitten someone?: Only for fun...

Been to the Gold Coast Theme Parks?: Where?

More than twice?: What?

Been to Niagra Falls?: I heard it's overrated.

Burped in someones face?: Pretty close.

Gotton chicken pox?: So I'm told.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

Brushed your teeth: A couple hours ago.

Saw a movie in theaters: 30 Days of Night

Read a book: Read a book! Read a MOTHERFUCKIN' BOOK!

Had a snow day: Never. Been in a flood though. Oh, Chicago...

Had a party: Many times. Where were you?

Had a slumber party: Long ago.

Made fun of someone: Hours ago.

Tripped infront of someone: Last Sunday night. My arm doesn't hurt anymore.

Went to the grocery store: Monday. Spending money sucks.

Got sick: A couple weeks ago.

Cursed: Earlier in this survey.

PICK ONE

Friut/ Vegetables: Fruit.

Black/ White: Black

Lights on/ Lights off: Depends on the situation...

TV/ Movie: Movie

Car/ Truck: Car

Body spray/ Lotion: Neither.

Cash/ Cheque: Debit card.

Pillows/ Blanket: Blankets.

Headache/ Stomach ache: Headache.

Paint/ Charcoal: I prefer to grill with charcoal.

Chinese food/ Mexican food: A million times Mexican!

Summer/ Winter: Winter

Snow/ Rain: Rain

Foggy/ Misty: Misty

Rock/ Rap: Rockadocious.

Meat/ Veggies: Good lord, meat!

Boy/ Girl: I love me the ladies.

Choc/ Vanilla/ Strawberry: Chocolate

Sprinkles/ Icing: Icing

Cake/ Pie: Cake

Apple/ Banana: Apple

Beach/ Pools: I can see into the pool.

Hugs/ Kisses: Both, as often as possible.

Cookies/ Muffins: Cookies.

Wallet/ Pocket: Wallet

Window/ Door: Context much?

Cat/ Dog: Dog.

Long sleeve/ Short sleeve: Short sleeve.

Pants/ Shorts: Shorts

Spring/ Autumn: Autumn

Clouds/ Clear sky: Clouds

Moon/ Mars: Moon

FRIENDSHIP

How many friends do you have?: Tons. In LA, 7?

Do you have a best friend?: I don't judge.

Have you ever liked one of your friends?: Far too often. I'm cool with it. Sorta.

Do you have more guy friends or girl friends?: Guy friends

Have you ever lost a friend?: Yes. Several ways, including death unfortunately.

Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?: Mostly.

Whats the nicest thing you have ever done for a friend?: Taken care of an obliterated drunk. It's okay because I care.

Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you? I don't recall anything specific. I don't ask for much.

Do you miss any of your old friends?: Totally.

What friend have you known the longest?: Wayne. 20 years... Holy shit.

Do you regret anything you've done to a friend?: Nope.

If so, what?: What?

How often do you spend time with your friends?: Daily.

Do any of your friends drive?: Generally speaking.

Whats the dumbest thing you've done with a friend?: Drive-by eggings.

What do your friends think of you?: Aaron is the coolest!


LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP

Have you ever been in love?: Nope.

If you have, with who?: Nope.

Are you single? Yep.

Are you in a relationship?: Nope.

If so, for how long?: Nope.

Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: Several.

What is your idea of the best date?: Pizza, DVD, snugglies, extracurricular snugglies...

What was your first kiss like?: Good enough. It hit the spot.

How old were you when you got your first kiss?: 17

Do you think love is a load of shit?: Nothing worthwhile is easy.

Whats the best experience you've ever had with the opposite sex? Just honesty and understanding. It's pretty rare.

How many boyfriends/ girlfriends have you had?: 0/3

Whats the most sexual thing you've done with the opposite sex?: You figure it out.

WORD ASSOCIATION

Slippers: And fallers.

Hat: Safety Dance!

Hard: Core

Free: Score!

Space: Can kill you. Seriously, I watch "The Universe" on the History Channel.

Taste: Niiiiiiice.

Red: Ness.

Deep: Thoughts by Jack Handey

HearT: Fart

Cheese: Fart

Rain: Fart

Work: Office chair fart

Pedal: Rikshaw.

Head: Face.

Bed: Soft

Fluff: 'er

Race: face.

Jump: Might as well.

I....

am: a bit lonely.

want: a job.

need: a job.

crave: attention moderately.

love: affection.

hate: uncertainty and/or overreaction. Oh, and doubt. Doubt sucks.

did: a whole lot of nothing today. This is my peak of productivity.

feel: jobless.

miss: my doggies.

am annoyed by: acid reflux.

would rather: be typing at a desk than on my bed.

am tired of: my own paranoia. Seriously, shove it, you!

will always: be the nice guy. Oh, it's horrible.

SILLY STUFF

What is your favourite genre of music?: That old time rock and roll. But I don't really like that song.

What day is it?: Thursday morning.

What time is it now?: 2:08am PST.

Isnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?: No.

If you could have any magical power what would it be?: I want to fly. No traffic.

Have you ever had a picnic?: I guess.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

funny?: Seriously.

Pretty?: Irresistably.

Lazy?: Incredibly.

Sarcastic?: Hardly.

Hyper?: Can be.

Friendly?: Maybe.

Strong?: Integrally.

Smart?: Recklessly.

Talented?: Foolishly.

Dorky?: Handsomely.

ASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW (or dont know)

high: Britney
skip: Aaron (my roomie)
dance: Me on Halloween. What the fuck, right?
lonely: Michael Richards
open: Amanda
flower: Mom
window: Peeper. I don't know any.
psycho: Frank
brain freeze: Isaiah
sassy: Hooch
jelly: Jelly. He did a bang up job for us in Pain.
special: George W. Bush

FOR/ AGAINST

Suicide: Not for me.
love: For me. That'd be awesome!
drunken drivers: Against
airplanes: For
war: Against. There is no victory.
rock music: For!
school: For somebody else to pay for.
surveys: For. Bring 'em on.
parents: For. I miss 'em.
cars: For.
killing: For. Sometimes it's just necessary.
tea: Against. Unless Snapple counts, 'cause I've had at least four today.
clothes: For.

WOULD YOU EVER

Play strip poker?: I am getting better so yeah.
Run away?: No need.
Curse at a teacher?: Whoever's got it coming.
Not take a shower for a week? Extreme circumstances.
Ask someone out?: Been there done that. It's life affirming.

Sleep-Diddling

Hey, kids! Now I bet you're wondering about the title of this blog. Oh, you're not? Well, thanks for nothin'!

Actually, I have a roommate (well, actually, I have 4 of them) and she (oh there's a clue!) tends to come home from work tired, and eventually and without fail, she passes out wherever and in whatever position. Who is this roommate? I'm not telling.

Anyhow, this got me thinking about classic Disney films and classical literature/fairy tales and how the prince character always awakens the female protagonist with a kiss. See, because if you pull that act out of context and de-romanticize it, that kiss qualifies as assault.

Imagine you're asleep, minding your own dreams, and somebody you hardly know plants a kiss on you. Isn't that so weird?

Take it a step further and you'll be in what I call sleep-diddling territory. Oh it starts off innocently enough. You brush a hair out of the person's face. Next thing you know, you're measuring the size of your hand versus the size of the person's face. Next thing you know, you're counting their eyelashes. And the next thing you know, you've got both hands circulating on their chest till they wake up disgusted and they punch you in the face. And then it's all "restraining order" time. It's a slippery slope is all I'm saying.

Now think about Snow White after she eats the poison apple. She falls asleep. She can't be wakened. Do you think that 7 lonely dwarves are just sitting around waiting for some prince to show up? Nah. Well, maybe Doc. He always struck me as impotent. But Bashful, shiiiiiiiiit. He's got a rapsheet longer than the Sioux City Strangler and it's all of a sexual nature. Or so I heard.

But even the Prince, charming or otherwise, do you honestly trust this person? I mean, he's rich. He's used to getting what he wants. You think if he knows all he's gotta do is kiss this chick he met at party and she wakes up, he's not gonna try anything funny? He's not gonna "sample the goods." Just a peak, you know? I'm just saying that Walt Disney was so naive. And those artists who worked for him, and drew "SEX" in the sky in the Lion King and gave the priest a hard-on inThe Little Mermaid, you think they weren't thinking it? You know they were. Probably drew it too, the sick fucks.

There's even an entire, albeit small, genre of porn called "Sleep Assault." In it the "actress" is "asleep" and the camera (generally handheld, the other hand I presume) gets closer and sure enough, the dude's got his cock out. And now he's touchin' her with it. And she doesn't wake up. So, you know, it's realistic. And then there's penetration. And she doesn't wake up. Further realism. Either that, or she's pleased (by the thoughfulness, I imagine). I didn't say it was particularly erotic or even entertaining. I'm just letting y'all know what's out there because you're on the internet, and I'm sure you've never seen anything weird on the internet...

Anyway, these are the things I think about when my roommate passes out on the couch next to me.

What? Don't give me that look. I didn't say I did anything. That's not me at all. I'm sus-scared of girls. I just think of weird shit. Don't you? No? Well, what good are ya?!

So that's my blog, kids. Sleep tight.

:-P Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Hello From Burbank

Hey, kids! I'm up in Burbank as I type this, in my new home. It's nice. It's like a new pair of shoes. I'm still kinda breaking 'em in. Afterall, I've only been here a day.

The move was painful. The drive was long. And wouldn't ya know it, the only traffic I encountered was in San Diego! But still, the 4 hours of sleep I had gotten did not make for an easy drive.

I got here at about 11:20am. My furniture was supposed to be delivered between noon and 3pm. To my surprise, the dudes showed up at noon, on the dot! To their surprise, they had to lift many heavy pieces of furniture, up many flights of stairs. I apologized. The furniture fit pretty snugly. Let's just say, it looks great, but stubbed toes are to be expected.

Then there was the unpacking of my car...

Remember those stairs I mentioned?

Yeah, I had to take all my stuff up those too. Add to that, we're in the middle townhouse. Add to that, I am not what they call "in shape". Add to that, it was humid.

What does that all equal?

Kickin' my ass.

It was tough, kids, I'm not gonna lie. I haven't sweated that much in a long time. I had a lot of shit to carry and unpack, including 3 whole boxes filled with DVDs. It was nuts but I actually feel okay today.

After all the boxes were in my room, I loaded my big ass into the shower. It was nice, once I figured out how the shower worked.

All the boxes are pretty much unpacked now and I feel pretty much at home. I went grocery shopping today. That was odd. I got the essentials. You know, cheese, pb and j, bread, pringles, soda (RC and Cactus Cooler, I was feeling interesting), and snapple.

I also stopped by Best Buy and picked up the new Jimmy Eat World CD, "Chase This Light". I've already listened to it twice. A bummer is that the CD came with an exclusive free download track, and I downloaded it, but it doesn't work for Macs. Bollocks, for my limey friends.

So here I sit in an L.A. suburb... It's crazy. But it's where I'm at. Where you at?

:-P Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Recentry

Hey, kids!  I haven't written in a while because I've actually been busy as all shit.  And the baseball playoffs started, but busy all the same!

So if you haven't heard, I'm moving to Burbank on the 15th of the month of our Lord (Lord being me, and the month being the month of October, in which I was born).  I'm getting on with this thing they call life. 

No, I have no job waiting for me, but thanks for asking.

I guess you could say that there are many jobs there waiting for me; they just don't know who me is yet.  But since I've changed the address on me resume, I've already gotten a call for an interview.  And that, my friends, is as many calls as I had received prior to that.  Shut up, it's progress!

Anyhow, the move means lots of things have to be done.  I've started packing up my stuff, of which there is a crapload.  I started off with my DVDs and wouldn't you know it, the first box of them was too heavy for me to carry.  I divided them into 3 boxes, threw in my PS2 and games, and that portion was done. 

Next, I went to my books, of which I have a modest collection.  I filled a medium sized box to the brim and was done.  I stood up to enjoy the spoils and wouldn't you know it, my back screamed at me like I just smacked it's momma.

This is incident number 2 for me now.  I suppose it's a good idea to count them.  The first time happened harmlessly at AutoZone, reaching down slightly for a domelight bulb.  And yipes, let me tell you!  I think my back actually came off the heezy.  My chiropractor said that a muscle probably just momentarily plucked a nerve but that damned nerve sure can hold a grudge like a bastard.  But alas, I was feeling better a few days later.

Of course, this time it's a little worse.  It's the same pain, at the same level, but it's just kicking around longer now.  And wouldn't you know it (you should), I've got shit to do!

I had to drive my big-ass, back pain and all, up to the LA to buy furniture for the new place.  Apparently, nobody in San Diego has a wearhouse, showroom, nor delivers north of Irvine.  And really, who the fuck lives in Irvine?!

So my mom and I headed up, with our GPS in the car, on Saturday.  And wouldn't you know it (I really assume a lot out of you), there was all sorts of traffic.  On a Saturday.  I wasn't really that shocked but I'd heard otherwise.

The first place we went had a whole lotta nothing.  Furniture incidently, hasn't really changed much since the late 1600s.  I really only saw one set that wouldn't make my room look like a fairy castle.  So I tried to buy it.  Tried being the key.

We had the deal done.  Done.  Done, I tell you.  But... They couldn't deliver until the end of the month.  All they could give me was the mattress and a nightstand.  Yeah, that'd be just like home, for two whole weeks, during which I'd be trying to find a job.  No thanks.  I mean, I know that I wanted a contemporary, but not so contemporary that it hasn't been made yet.

So we left there dejected, and headed through traffic and confusion to another place.  I should say here that I don't think our GPS has speed in mind when directing us.

Luckily, when we got to the next place, they had some really great stuff and decisions were made fairly easily and quickly.  Of course, they try to get you to buy the best mattress (and most expensive of course) and then the warranty packages, and for some reason, they really wanted me to get this mattress cover.  It really looked more like a bug net.  No thanks!  I don't eat nor drink on my bed.  I keeps it clean, for the ladies...

So we leave and begin the Sam and Frodo-like journey home.  Our GPS tells us to take the 101 south as opposed to the 134 to the 5, which of course nearly doubles our travel time, but I'm not bitter at that little box.  Although, it would be nice if it verbally told you what street to turn on, instead of "Turn right in .2 miles."  What the fuck is .2 miles?!  But I digress...

So by the time we'd gotten home it was 10:30pm, after starting out 12 hours earlier.  Not bad time, I suppose (and if sarcasm was the key to wealth, I'd have millions!).

Trip Totals: 

Duration: 12 hours
Total Miles: 340
CDs Listened To: 6
Fast Food Eaten: Too much.
Celebrities Sited: Zero.  Seriously, not even Pauly Shore.

But I got my furniture.  I've since packed up my comic books and taken the posters off of my bedroom walls.  Have I mentioned that I've got a crapload of shiot?  Well I do.  So if I don't write, you know what I'm doing.  And if you don't come to my birthday/going-away party, you won't see me (and I'm potentially writing you off).  So at least you'll have that going for you.

:-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

I'm serious.  Come to my party.

It’s All In Your Nombre

Hey, kids!  My, what a lovely tea party! 

So I was watching The Omen (the original sans Julia Stiles) this evening, and I got to thinking what odd foresight the parents in the film had to name their son, the AntiChrist, Damien.  It's not like it's a common name.  Although, Steve the AntiChrist has kind of a ring to it.

Anyhoo, this got me thinking (hold onto ya butts). 

You know what never happens?  You never in your life meet someone with the last name, Killer.  I know I haven't.  Not yet anyhow.

Cause you think about last names and their origins and it's usually a "son of [your name here]" sort of name, or the town the family originated from, or in many cases the name of the man who used to own someone long ago.  But another common origin is someone's profession.

Now, I know being a killer isn't necessarily a profession, unless money changes hands of course, but you'd think that somewhere down the line in history, some dude was a known killer and he had a son.  And then it spreads.  Next thing you know, the Killers move in next door (no, not the group with the lead singer with the unnecessary vibratto).

But now that I think of it, you never meet anyone named, Whore, either.  Oh you'll meet whores, mind you.  You might even date one (or a few).  But no one with the name.  This of course is discounting any asian people named, Ho.  I don't think that that translates.

So, kids, what's the most unusual last names you've encountered?  Not just foreign names ('cause then mine might come up), unless they have an odd translation.  My last name actually roughly translates as "Brownland."  It's not very exciting but it could've been "shiteater" so I count my blessings.  Let me here your answers, kids.  It's fun, yes?  

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeeeeeah...  

:-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Mood For Thought

Hey, kids.  I gotta take a break from sneezing and feeling full headed to talk to you about some things.

First of all, ranch dressing.  What the fuck is the big deal with ranch dressing these days?  People are putting it on everything now.  They're putting it on fries!  They're dipping chicken tenders in it!  And I saw a commercial for pizza and ranch dip!  AAAAAAAAHHH!  NO!  It's a salad dressing.  Do fries look like salad?  No.  Does chicken?  No.  Pizza?  NOOOO!O!O!  Stop it.  You're hurting my life.

Secondly, I have more of a question about bathroom trash etiquette.  What is acceptable to throw away in the bathroom?  I would think bathroom things like toilet paper, floss, disposable contact lenses, various cleaning products, empty air fresheners, etc.

Now have you ever been eating or drinking something, and then you go to the bathroom, but you make a complete diversion in your trip to pottytown in order to throw that stuff away in, say, the kitchen trashcan?  I know I have.  Why do we do that?  There's a perfectly acceptable recepticle in the bathroom.  My only guess is that you get self-conscious about whether or not someone else will use the bathroom after you and think that you've been eating or drinking on the john.  That would be gross, wouldn't it?  Someone sitting on the pot, eating Doritos while downing Gatorade?  I think it's odd.  Is it dumb to worry or think about?  Possibly.  But this is my blog so shut up.

Lastly, the subject of Amigo Porn.  Now this isn't really a genre of porn, rather it's just a snappy title for the scenario I'm about to present.  Say you're at a friends house, maybe there's even a group of you, and the friend leaves for whatever reason.  To go get beer, to pick someone else up, to go suck off a rhino... You know, whatever.  And you being the nosy bastard that you are, you start looking around for "interesting things."  And you stumble onto what is obviously homemade porn. 

Now here's the question.  Your friend's not there.  And it's porn.  But it's not something you want to make you "hot."  But do you watch anyway?

Take it another step further, and appropriate for this era, say your friend is the other player in a celebrity sex tape that gets out.  Do you watch?

I tell you what I'd do.

I'd watch the fucker (literally and figuratively).

My reasons are quite simple.  It's like watching animals on the Discovery Channel, with the added bonus that they're human.  You might even learn something.  But also, it's a chance to root on your buddy.  I mean, you're probably not going to be there in person, with a big foam finger and an air horn, so what the hell, right?  I'm just saying that I'd cook some popcorn and take in the show, that's all.  No lust.  No fantasy.  Just pure science, and entertainment.

I'm not saying that this is something you oughta get into, like trading amongst your friends, but given the opportunity, why not watch?  You can always turn it off if it gets "too real" or whatever.  I'm just saying.

What would you do, kids?  Call me crazy, but I'd like to know.  Ponder it and then responder it.  Yeah!    :-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

You Wanna Suck My What???

Oh... Blood...  For a second there, I was like "Whoa," you know?

Hey, kids!  If you haven't guessed already (by all means try right now), this blog is about vampires.

See, I got to thinking the other day about how vampires are afraid of/hurt by crosses/crucifixes, and so I thought, why don't they just attack Jews?  Or Muslims?  Hindus?  Buddhists?  Daoists?  Shintos?  Zorastrians? 

Atheists?  Wait, they don't believe in vampires.

Agnostics?  Wait, they're not sure if they believe in vampires or not.

Why don't they go after them?  Are vampires RACISTS???

The vampires in the Blade movies had the right idea.  They hung out in LA.  They could hit every film executive in Hollywood, and they'd still have Malibu yet!  Right, Mel??? 

SUGARTITS!

Also, ooh think about it, the groups mentioned above (exception of the last two "groups") are less likely to have a bunch of garlic lying around.  Or holy water for that matter.

Anyhow, it would just seem to me to be a smarter plan of action to try to drain the blood of people who don't have weapons to use against you.

Like werewolves, you kill them with silver bullets, right?  Why not attack pacifists?  Seems like it could work.

Freddy Kreuger, Jason, and Michael Myers (YEEEAH BABY!) have the right idea by attacking teenagers.  Think about it.  Teenagers are generally frantic, unfocused, stupid, and have less knowledge/access to weapons (unless they gangstas).  It's brilliant.

And vampires are supposed to be suave, slick motherfuckers.  You'd think this shit would've crossed their minds at some point.  They're probably just as dense as the human dudes who think they're suave like male models, The Pickup Artist, jocks, Bret Michaels, David Caruso, douchebags, and politicians (or were the last two redundant?).

Well, whatever.  Fuck 'em, right?  Yeah.  Fuck vampires.  And mummies!  Yeah!  Alright, I'm delirious.  Goodnight, and good suckin', kids!

:-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

"Take me out to the survey..."

1. Your name?
Lucifer

2. So what's your team?
St. Louis Cardinals

3. Could you name the minor league affiliates of your favorite team?
AAA- Memphis Redbirds, and fuck if I know...

4. How about the scouting staff?
Jim Leyland was one, before a slightly better job came up.

5. What ballparks have you visited?
PETCO, Qualcomm, and Wrigley Field.

6. Do you do the wave?
Never.  I don't live in my team's city, so why would I?  And I certainly never do it while the home team is batting!  Stupid SoCal fans...

7. What is the tastiest ballpark food you've ever had?
None.  It makes me feel gross just thinking about it.

8. Is Wrigley Field really worth all its novelty?
Fuck your mother if you disagree.

9. Did you get sucked into all the Bonds hype?
Barry Bonds is quite possibly the greatest baseball player ever; steroids or not.  I'm glad to have seen him play.

10. Red Sox or Yankees?
Fuck 'em!  I almost hate the Red Sox more now because of their "supposed" underdog status.  Your 200 million dollar payroll says otherwise.  You won your World Series, now shut the fuck up for thenext 86 years.

11. Cubs or White Sox?
Cubs, god love 'em.

12. Giants or A's?
Giants, but they suck so hard.  But they've got better uniforms and a better ballpark.  And Omar Vizquel is my homeboy.

14. How much is too much for a beer?
Any much.

15. Would you rather be sat on by David Wells or Prince Fielder?:
Prince Fielder.  At least he could get up afterwards.

16. Have you ever met Tony LaRussa?
Not yet.  Who knows.  I'm still a little upset over how he handled Ozzie Smith's last season.

17. What's the longest-inning game you've watched?
On TV, I've watched at least a 15 inning game.

18. What's the longest-inning game you've attended?
Probably only 10 innings.

19. What's the worst you've gone through to attend a ballgame?
It was raining the morning of the Cubs game I went to, so we thought they'd cancel it.  The wind in the city (hehe, "Windy City") moved the rain out of town and we were able to make it by the 2nd inning.

20. Don't you hate it when games are rained out?
It's never happened to me, as you've read above.

21. You can give any MLB player a hug (without him having to call the cops or security.) Who is it?
Well, that's just weird.  This was written for women or something.  If they'd just won a big game, I guess Jim Edmonds.  He's my favorite player, and he's got more Gold Gloves than your mom's got teeth.

22. Are you on one of those migratory quests to visit every Major League Ballpark?
I'd love to.

23. The Milwaukee Sausages or the Pittsburgh Pirogies?
First of all, it's pierogis.  Second of all, I'd choose the sausage.  There's no way to make that sound un-gay.

24. In your ballgame-attending experience, what team has the most annoying fans?
I don't have much experience with many fans other than Padre fans.  They're kind of annoying because they don't know much about the game.  Dodger fans are pretty lame in general.  Yankees fans can eat a dick. 

25. Would you rather run into Ozzie Guillen or Lou Piniella in a dark alley?
Sweet Lou's is 64.  Ozzie's 43.  You do the math.

26. Are you/have you ever been "that guy?" (The guy who stands by the player's parking lot before and after each game with a binder full of baseball cards.)
Nah.  I'm too busy catching homeruns in batting practice.

27. Should Canada have another baseball team?
Sure, Vancouver.  The AL West needs another team.  But they should really move the Brewers back to the AL anyway.

28. The NL Central: it sure does suck, doesn't it?
Fuck you.  It's an off-year.

29. Who do you'll think we'll see in the World Series?
I'd guess Anaheim and... the Mets probably.  Kind of a snoozer but I'd root for the Angels.

30. And finally, who do you think will win it all?
Certainly not the Yankees!  HA-HA Fuck 'em!