It's a Subscription, bitches!

Hey there, kiddies!  I've been doing a little counting and I have over 1600 blog views, which is totally awesome. 

Here's the thing though: I only have 4 subscribers.  It's nitpicking, I know, but it makes me feel good to know that people are reading my stuff and enjoying it. 

You want me to feel good, don't you??? 

All I ask is that if you dig what I'm doing, show your support by subscribing to my blogs. 

It is not without it's benefits.  You get to be personally notified by the good folks at My Space that I've blogged recently. 

And then you get to read it!  It's awesome!  Everybody wins!  It's like riding a bicycle(wait, no, that's wrong)!

I promise, here fore and forthwith, to keep it interesting for you guys.  I'll try to keep it upbeat but I make no guarantees.  I feel, therefore I write and such.  It can't all be rainbows and unicorns but such is life!  And life, my babies, is blog.  Chew on that for a while.  Uh-huh.

And to those of you that are already subscribers, you are all instant-cool like Penguins that kill Pop "Stars", like guitars that shoot fireworks, and like the Fonz dancing at Arnold's on "Happy Days"!  Think about it.  Oh yeah.

THE List

I've just answered the question of the year: If you could make one album (16 songs) of your favorite songs, what would be on it?

Here's the answer(again, I can't even begin to put this in any sort of order):

1. "Everlong"- The Foo Fighters

2. "A Praise Chorus"- Jimmy Eat World

3. "Simple Man"- Lynyrd Skynyrd

4. "Layla"- Derek and the Dominos

5. "Comedown"- Bush

6. "Pictures of You"- The Cure

7. "Back in Black"- AC/DC

8. "With or Without You"- U2

9. "Secret Smile"- Semisonic

10. "Paint it Black"- The Rolling Stones

11. "Tiny Dancer"- Elton John

12. "2000 Light-years Away"- Green Day

13. "Turn the Page"- Metallica (cover)

14. "Yesterday"- The Beatles

15. "In Your Eyes"- Peter Gabriel

16. "The Promise"- When in Rome

Random Diatribes

Hey there, kiddies!  It's midnight, it's Thursday (technically Friday), and I'm bored out my gourd (that rhymes and I apologize).  So here are some things I've been thinking about lately:

The "New" Conan:  Kids, I remember the days before high-def.  I remember when 36 inch TVs were huge.  And now, we've got Conan in letterbox.  WHAT THE FUCK?!  Was this even remotely necessary?!  Was there anything on the show worth seeing at optimum picture quality?!  I love Preparation H Randall but I don't need to see all the pores on his face.  I don't need to see the Coked-Up Werewolf's hair glowing in 1080i.  I don't watch the Masturbating Bear looking for tips, so I don't need to be able to see all his intricate finger movements.  And do you know why?  Because it doesn't make it any funnier!  Don't fix what ain't broke so a couple rich chucklefucks (that's right, chucklefucks) can see the hairs in La Bamba's nostrils.  I can't stand to watch Conan anymore.  I'm sad now...

Love at 1st Sight:  This one has come up in recent bulletins.  I gotta say, the whole idea is nonsense fairytale bullshit.  Please...  You're telling me you can look at someone and instantly love them?  Don't you realize how mentally disturbed that makes you sound?  I'm sorry, folks, I hold love in way too high a regard to believe in such misguided childishness.  Love takes time, it takes care, understanding, and intimacy (both physical and emotional).  And you expect me to believe two people can get that or feel that by looking at each other for the first time?!  People spend years together and don't know if they love each other, but you, oh you believe it can happen from across the bar.  It's ad hoc bullshit that newlyweds say because they don't hate each other yet.  Start thinking with your head and stop "loving" with your genitals, please, it's juvenile.

Transporter 2:  Oh dear lord, a movie topic.  Here we go again.  The story of an expert trained in all sorts of deadlyness comes to town and needs a job.  What does he get?  A job driving around a child.  He tries to stay professional.  Do the job till a real one comes up.  Aw, but the kid's so damned cute...  Then BAM, kidnapped by terrorists!  Now he's pissed...

Goddammit!  Didn't we just see this movie?!  I believe it was called Man on Firewith Denzel Washington, which itself was a remake of Man on Fire with Scott Glenn.  Son of a bitch, are we that devoid?!  Does Hollywood think that because we didn't go see the last one, we'll probably go see this one?!  What morons they take us for!  Holy-mother of...

Dukes of Hazard:  Uh-oh, another one...  Jessica Simpson, baby, please cover your eyes and ears.  This was a shitty show in the 80's.  Why in the fuck, if we're gonna remake stuff, don't we remake good shows?!  Hot-Damn!  Knight Rider had more storylines and Hasselhoff's not doing anything (unless he's still in rehab then, by all means, continue), let's re-do that!  Hell, we could buy the car on E-bay and get Ashton Kutcher to do the voice for K.I.T.T.!  Cocksmokin' funky buttlovers...

Jessica Simpson, baby, it's okay to look now.

Bad Bulletins:  Okay, I'm gonna try real hard to be nice 'cause some of you are my friends.  Could we please stop with the Chain Bulletins?  If you want an analogy for their usefulness read above under, Love at 1st Sight.  Seriously do you really think that if nobody passed them on, that something terrible would happen to everybody?!  Bourgeois fairytale nonsense.  And now to those that put "I'm gonna..." in the subject line and then "fart" in the body, I'm getting real sick of that shit.  Or subject: "Tonight", oh could it be a party they're planning or somebody's birthday, body: "is gonna be good."  Ahh... you vague, uninteresting bastard!  I can remain calm no longer. 

Bulletins ought to be for announcements, things all your friends need to know.  Or even questionnaires, I know you don't like those, but at least they serve a "get to know" purpose.  I don't need to know that tomorrow is going to be good for you.  It's very self-centered of you to believe that anyone other than you needs to know that without any details.  I click on your bulletins because I'm your friend and I care what you have to say about things and what's going on in your life.  I click on "Tonight" cause I think you're announcing your plans for the day and that's interesting, even if I'm not gonna be there.  You could be telling a story of the strange thing that happened.  But no.  You just wanted to be a dillhole.  Anyone who complains about bad movies, and wanting their life that was lost back, oughta have my back on this one. 

If not, well, fuck you too.  I'm done.  (drops the mic and walks away)

Seven Deadly Pieces of Me

In no particular order...

SEVEN THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:
1. Bed
2. fan, it's hot
3. posters-a-plenty
4. my kitana (sword not Baker)
5. assorted collection of stuffed animals won from crane machines
6. Mark McGwire batting practice homerun baseballs (x2)
7. Hong Kong Phooey bobblehead

TOP SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY MOST:
1. Son of a...
2. fuck (not to be confused w/ Son of a fuck)
3. yipes
4. that's bullshit
5. Your Mother!
6. huh?
7. goddammit

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. My family
2. My friends
3. My car
4. Movies
5. Myself
6. Baseball (I'm insufferable during the winter)
7. Water in all of it's many forms

SEVEN THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Be happy with the things I've done
2. Make some sort of contribution to this world
3. Find someone whom I enjoy and enjoys me
4. Make a Movie
5. Tell someone in power to kiss their own ass
6. Have kids
7. Buy a big house with a pool table


SEVEN OTHER THINGS:
Do You:
1. Believe in God? Nope
2. Had a dream come true? Not sure, can't remember my dreams
3. Read the newspaper? Nope
4. Pray? Nope
5. Have a job? Yes, thanks for reminding me
6. Attend church? Nope
7. Wish on shooting stars? Nope

Have you ever:
1. Gone skinny dipping? Nope, but I do have a pool in my backyard, Ladies...
2. Had surgery? Sort of, no cutting involved but I've been under
3. Swam in the dark? Yes, hate it
4. Been to a bonfire? Yes
5. Ran away from home? Nope
6. Played strip poker? Nope, and I'm not comfortable with my skills yet to try
7. Pulled an all nighter? Never had to, I'm kind of a genius

SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS:
Have you...
1. Cried? Nope
2. Sang? Nope
3. Been kissed? Nope
4. Felt stupid? Yep
5. Talked to an ex? Goodness no
6. Missed someone? Eh.
7. Hugged someone? Nope, oh now I'm all lonely!

SEVEN FAV SONGS AT THE MOMENT: (I'm going for All-Time, no particular order, I just need the numbers to keep track)
1. Everlong- Foo Fighters
2. A Praise Chorus- Jimmy Eat World
3. Simple Man- Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. Layla- Derek and the Dominos
5. Pictures of You- The Cure
6. Comedown- Bush
7. Back in Black- AC/DC

SEVEN WORDS TO DESCRIBE STATUS:
1. Sincere
2. Sarcastic
3. Solid (think about it)
4. Silly
5. Good-times (the hyphen makes it one word)
6. Logical
7. Anxious

Turn-Ons, and more importantly, Turn-Offs...

GUYS: Turned ON or OFF when a girl:

dresses like a slut: mostly OFF

dresses like a grandma: like my grandma? OFF
dresses like a prep: ON maybe

dresses in all black: Depends on what she's wearing

doesn't care what she wears: ON

sings: ON!

plays a musical instrument: ON!

is skinnier than you: God yes, ON!

is bigger than you: that'd be a little much to handle, OFF

is taller than you: Maybe

has straight teeth: ON

wears braces: usually OFF

has chapped lips: OFF, that's not to say they must shine

has green eyes: Depends

has blue eyes: Depends

has brown eyes: ON

has long hair: ON

short hair: rarely ON

drinks alcohol: Depends on how much

smokes cigarettes: OFF!

smokes pot: OFF!

wears glasses: ON

has blonde hair: usually OFF

has brown hair: ON

has black hair: ON

has Red Hair: Interesting... maybe ON

has a tan: ON

works out: if she at least tries or cares ON

smiles more than not: ON

calls you just to say hey: ON

smacks your butt: ON

compliments you: ON

shaves her legs: ON

wears jewelry: Depends on how much

has bigger feet than you: Would be difficult to imagine, my feet are very big, so OFF

has smaller feet than you: ON

wears perfume: ON, not too too much though

smiles when you walk into the room: ON

wants to be a mom: ON, not too soon though!

Has a nice stomach: ON

Belly piercing: usually OFF

Virgin: it helps-ON, Celibate though-OFF, it's 2005!

Loyal: ON!

Laid back: ON

Doesn't party a lot: ON!
laughs a lot: ON
is Ticklish : ON

doesn't care about what people think about her: ON

believes in love at first sight/fate: OFF

gaged ears: OFF!
talkative: ON

rich: It helps but not necessary

has a booty: ON!

has nice boobs: ON!

Now I've gone and done it...

I started playing poker online. 

Luckily, I only play with fake money, so fear not, my kiddies.  I got really bored while my sister was having a pool "party", so I went and found pokerroom.com, signed up (as 4-Card-Str8) and the rest as they say is history.  

I had an okay first day.  You start with a free $1000 (fake).  I lost that a couple of times while I got the hang of their system.  You're only allowed to buy back twice in 24 hours but somehow I did it 3 times. 

3rd time was a charm.  I got my total up to $4900 with some solid play and some good cards.

Today, I went on in the early afternoon and I got demoralized down to $1900, $1000 at a time.  When you play at a table where someone or a lot of people have a couple thousand, to your one thousand, they kinda have you bent over a table.  I stopped for a while and ate lunch.  Getting your ass handed to you, even over the internet, sure works up an appetite.

I played again later cause I figure it's only play-money and I start to winnin'.  I started knocking people around like they were cardboard boxes in a hurricane (so-so analogy).  I got to about 8 grand and then I get a doozy of a hand.  2/3 off-suit.  I know what you're thinking, "2/3?!  This guys a mo-ron."  If only you knew...

I had 8 grand and it only cost me 10 bucks to see the flop and BAM!  Ace/4/5.  I nearly jumped.  That would've been a tell.  So I bet like 250.  Somebody raises to 500.  I call.  Everyone else folds.  Next card, inconsequential.  I bet 500.  He calls.  Next card, also inconsequential.  I bet $1000 and he calls.  This guy must've thought I was stupid.  He would've been right.  But for 10 bucks, I got to look at a winner.

I wish I could've seen his face.  Poor bastard.  I took the chip lead from him and maybe even broke him.  His spirit at least.  I asked him what he thought I had (cause you can chat as you play) and he said he thought I had a pair of Aces at best.  "You'd have to be an idiot to play a 2/3," he adds.

Well, ladies and gentleman, you're lookin' at one dumb bastard.  Oh yeah.

Ahhhhh!!!

Well kiddies my sunburn has gotten to the "put me outta my misery" stage.  I slept well the first night and day 2 was okay. 

But now it itches to the point of tears.

And you can't scratch.  Oh no.  That brings the burn. 

I took an hour-long, let me repeat hour-long, cold shower and of course that only provided temporary relief.  I'm using aloe vera but it still leaves me itchy.  I thought about benadryl for the itchiness but it says, "Do not use on large areas of the body." 

Well there goes my entire back.  Fuckity-fuck-fuck. 

I may have to call off work tomorrow if this continues, which is a real bummer because I need money for Vegas August 19-22.  But there's no way I can work like this. 

Hell, I can hardly type like this.  Oh yipes...

I hope you like your Aaron extra crispy...

cause he's burnt to shit.

Kiddies, I tried to tan today.  I put on sunscreen and laid in my backyard between the hours of 12:40pm and 2:40pm.  Don't worry I was wearing shorts, dirty monkeys.

I was also fighting a huge bout of paranoia about whether or not the pool guy was going to come and see me in bare chested glory.  You may be saying to yourself, "So what if some stranger sees you?"  You would be wrong.  The pool guy isn't a stranger.  He's my co-worker at the Convention Center, a friend of my sister, and a pool cleaner.  So there!

Anywhoo, I thought I used plenty of sunscreen but apparently sunscreen application is a team sport.  I've always said I've got short arms and I think my back is now proof as it is bright red in every square inch that I can't reach, which is a lot.  It burns and that sucks.  Add to that I'm probably still as white as I was when I woke up this morning, minus the redness.  Luckily, I don't sleep on my back, otherwise yipes!

Ladies, Babies, Hotties with Bodies:  It looks like I need someone not only for further sunscreen application assistance but also aloe vera application.  I have a pool.  It has a diving board.  Any takers???  Oh yeah???

Concerto: Red Pony Clock

Yes, that said clock.  Dirty monkeys!  Anywhoo, this past Sunday night I went to the Casbah to watch my friend Gerry's band, Red Pony Clock.  What follows is my review:

The first band of the evening was called the Donkeys.  And with good reason, they sucked.  They were too slow.  It was kind of like soft country but not supposed to be.  Thankfully their set was short and thus over quickly.

The second band was two people, girl drummer with guy on guitar.  Sound fimiliar?  Yes, they were a lot like the White Stripes, except without any real emotion.  Oh, and the girl did most of the singing.  One thing that was cool was that they paused and talked about their next song and how they wrote it and then played Brian Adams's "Summer of '69".  I had just finished telling someone that I would say something like, "We wrote this next song and the Beatles stole it from us."  This band wasn't very good, well-dressed, or funny, but they are from Portland, Oregon, so what could you expect?

The next band came up and had another female drummer/lead singer, and a horn section.  So I'm standing around thinking, "What's this all about?"  All of a sudden they broke out into what can only be described as interplanetary ska.  It was like a cross between Parliament Funkadelic and Save Ferris.  It was pretty fucking awesome!  The singer could really sing and reminded me a lot of Gwen Stefani when she used to sing ska.  Ah, the good old days.  Sadly, I don't know the name of this band but I would highly recommend them to anyone.  They were great.

Last but certainly not least was Red Pony Clock, the band that has recorded thebest version of "Happy Birthday" I've ever heard.  When they were getting set up, I was amazed at how many instruments were on stage.  There was an xylophone for godsakes!  They too had a female drummer (ah, we are truly moving forward).  Red Pony Clock was a lot of fun, though, not really my style of music.  There were no distorted guitars like the previous band.  God, how I love distorted guitars.  Their horn play was good.  I couldn't really hear the lyrics like I could with the previous band either.  That has more to do with the venue than the band.  But like I said, they are a lot of fun.  Their energy is high and I would definitely go see them again.

So there you have it folks!  2 out of the 4 bands were good this time around.  If you have a chance to check out either Red Pony Clock or the band whose name I don't know, do so (if that's even possible without their name).  Did I mention Gerry was looking sexy with a beard?  Oh yeah.

Update:  For those of you interested, both Red Pony Clock and Bunky (thanks Sean!) are on MySpace.  So check 'em out or something bad will happen...

Whoop-di-doo

Hey there, kiddies!  Sorry I've been a lame blogger lately.  Not much has really happened that I thought you guys would want to read about.  But I'll try to make something right now.

So let's see, Wednesday I went to the Padres/Cardinals game.  For those of you that don't know I'm a huge baseball fan and the St. Louis Cardinals are my favorite team.  I went to the game wearing my Jim Edmonds jersey and had a pretty fun time with my friend Omar, his sister Adrian, and her friend Sonia.  The Cardinals lost 2-1 though.  (waving fist in the air) Damn you Robert Fick!!!  Afterwards, Padres fans were trying to yell and talk shit to me but I went all Tony Montana on them.  Meaning: in my head I said to myself, "I piss on these cockaroaches!"  I got home without incident which is good but less exciting. 

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I went to work and there's not much to say about that.  I did get to talk to the new girl at work, Rosa.  She's cute and has a smokin' little body.  We talked for a good 20 minutes but I didn't feel any magic or sparks and that's somewhat disappointing.  Oh well, dating co-workers is a bad idea, smokin' hot body included.  She did like hockey which I found surprising but still no sparkies in 'ma sharky.  Oh yeah that's dirty, folks.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see Gerry's band, Red Pony Clock, play at the Casbah.  That should be good-times and there are supposed to be a lot of film buddies going (are YOU going?).  If you are, great.  If not, I'll see you in hell!  Oh yeah...