"Take me out to the survey..."

1. Your name?
Lucifer

2. So what's your team?
St. Louis Cardinals

3. Could you name the minor league affiliates of your favorite team?
AAA- Memphis Redbirds, and fuck if I know...

4. How about the scouting staff?
Jim Leyland was one, before a slightly better job came up.

5. What ballparks have you visited?
PETCO, Qualcomm, and Wrigley Field.

6. Do you do the wave?
Never.  I don't live in my team's city, so why would I?  And I certainly never do it while the home team is batting!  Stupid SoCal fans...

7. What is the tastiest ballpark food you've ever had?
None.  It makes me feel gross just thinking about it.

8. Is Wrigley Field really worth all its novelty?
Fuck your mother if you disagree.

9. Did you get sucked into all the Bonds hype?
Barry Bonds is quite possibly the greatest baseball player ever; steroids or not.  I'm glad to have seen him play.

10. Red Sox or Yankees?
Fuck 'em!  I almost hate the Red Sox more now because of their "supposed" underdog status.  Your 200 million dollar payroll says otherwise.  You won your World Series, now shut the fuck up for thenext 86 years.

11. Cubs or White Sox?
Cubs, god love 'em.

12. Giants or A's?
Giants, but they suck so hard.  But they've got better uniforms and a better ballpark.  And Omar Vizquel is my homeboy.

14. How much is too much for a beer?
Any much.

15. Would you rather be sat on by David Wells or Prince Fielder?:
Prince Fielder.  At least he could get up afterwards.

16. Have you ever met Tony LaRussa?
Not yet.  Who knows.  I'm still a little upset over how he handled Ozzie Smith's last season.

17. What's the longest-inning game you've watched?
On TV, I've watched at least a 15 inning game.

18. What's the longest-inning game you've attended?
Probably only 10 innings.

19. What's the worst you've gone through to attend a ballgame?
It was raining the morning of the Cubs game I went to, so we thought they'd cancel it.  The wind in the city (hehe, "Windy City") moved the rain out of town and we were able to make it by the 2nd inning.

20. Don't you hate it when games are rained out?
It's never happened to me, as you've read above.

21. You can give any MLB player a hug (without him having to call the cops or security.) Who is it?
Well, that's just weird.  This was written for women or something.  If they'd just won a big game, I guess Jim Edmonds.  He's my favorite player, and he's got more Gold Gloves than your mom's got teeth.

22. Are you on one of those migratory quests to visit every Major League Ballpark?
I'd love to.

23. The Milwaukee Sausages or the Pittsburgh Pirogies?
First of all, it's pierogis.  Second of all, I'd choose the sausage.  There's no way to make that sound un-gay.

24. In your ballgame-attending experience, what team has the most annoying fans?
I don't have much experience with many fans other than Padre fans.  They're kind of annoying because they don't know much about the game.  Dodger fans are pretty lame in general.  Yankees fans can eat a dick. 

25. Would you rather run into Ozzie Guillen or Lou Piniella in a dark alley?
Sweet Lou's is 64.  Ozzie's 43.  You do the math.

26. Are you/have you ever been "that guy?" (The guy who stands by the player's parking lot before and after each game with a binder full of baseball cards.)
Nah.  I'm too busy catching homeruns in batting practice.

27. Should Canada have another baseball team?
Sure, Vancouver.  The AL West needs another team.  But they should really move the Brewers back to the AL anyway.

28. The NL Central: it sure does suck, doesn't it?
Fuck you.  It's an off-year.

29. Who do you'll think we'll see in the World Series?
I'd guess Anaheim and... the Mets probably.  Kind of a snoozer but I'd root for the Angels.

30. And finally, who do you think will win it all?
Certainly not the Yankees!  HA-HA Fuck 'em!

"Okay, who poked the rhino?"

Hey, kids!  It's been far too long since I put out a real blog, but you know how it is, right?  Sure you do.  Now can you explain it to me?  Anyhoo, here's some things I've been  pondering lately.

First-Name-Nobodies:  I don't know who or why this trend started but I'd like it to cease and desist forthwith.  Every fucking pop culture teeny bopper asshole celebrity reality star goes by one name now.  There's Aly And AJ on MTV, there's Zack and Ashley from High School Musical, there's Cheyenne, Jo-Jo (not KC's Jojo), and Miley.  Who the fuck are these people?!  It's not really even a matter of them choosing to be singularly represented, although some do, but the fact that every fucking entertainment "news" show refers to them only by first name.  Likeeverybody knows who the fuck these shits are...  Take the lollipop out your asses and stop worshipping these underage twerps.  That's right, I said TWERPS!

Small footnote to this:  If you're only one person aka a solo act, you cannot have a band name.  You know who you are and you need to stop.

L.A. Scenes Of Irresponsibility:  The last piece kinda leads into this one nicely.  Let me explain.  The recent trend of Hollywood "starlets" gone wild has got me thinking about a massive elephant in the room that nobody in the "news" is addressing.  Lindsay, Paris, and Nicole (and countless others I'm sure followed by the next batch of fucktards) have been getting into clubs in L.A. underage.  Nobody is pointing the finger at these places that have been serving the recently legal Lohanator the cuckoo juice for years.  Forget the illegality of just allowing her into a licensed establishment to begin with. 

Now any asshole with an older asshole around can get booze underage, but the fact that these "bombshell" burnouts are going into very public places and coming out very publicly intoxicated (and sometimes missing undergarments) oughta arouse some suspicions of the police (at least) and real journalists.  Why it hasn't, I can guess. 

Mary Hart and her cohorts want to be conductors on this trainwreck.  They don't want to stand up and be crossing guards.  Nor should they have to.  But when it's SOOooo obvious that no one who should is, you've got to or you've got no soul left.  But to get back to my real point, these clubs and  restaurants should be fined, then delicensed, and then shut down.  People are gettin' fucked up, and not in the fun way anymore.

Nicole Richie's Baby:  Thank god it ain't mine.

VH1's The Pickup Artist:  Now this is what has always troubled me about women.  See the "expert" at picking up chicks on this show is godawful looking.  And worse, he's one of those douchebag types that wears more than one ring on each hand, and even worse, he often wears a furry hat.  Yes, a furry hat.  And chicks eat this guy up!  I'm sorry but I don't do any kind of "business," let alone talk to people in furry hats.  The man looks like a half-assed Tommy Lee (who I might add is someone else I don't get the appeal in).  I mean, if this is what you want, ladies, I'll just be over here till you come to your senses.  Well, who am I kidding?  I'm already "over here waiting."

Making The Band 9000:  Why do you beat this dead horse so?  Not one band that has been made by this franchise has become big.  Not one.  Zero success.  I hate American Idol but at least they've churned out some hits.  Give it the fuck up.  Take away Diddy's toys, please.

David Beckham:  Fuck that guy.

And lastly...

Long-Haired Football Players:  This is probably an old topic but it bears repeating.  If you let hair hang out of your helmet, then the other team has every right to pull at it ALL GAME LONG.  It's the same thing as jewelry.  If you wear it, someone pulls it, it breaks, tough shit.  Cut it down, dude.

So that's it, my babies.  Take care of yourselves, or not.  Also, buy my DVD.  Seriously, it's for the children.  And it's a great stocking stuffer!  I don't curse once on the commentaries.  Wait, maybe that's not a selling point.  Whateva. 

:-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

I Am Such A Rager

Hey, kids!  So I realize that I'm not much for doing the "Friday night things" that my peers and contemporaries do, but it still never ceases to dig at me that I can't/couldn't figure out anything to do tonight.

I mean, I watched the Padres game on TV and ate a DiGiorno, and that's pretty much it.  These activities did have their merits, mind you.  The pizza was excellent.  I'm really getting the hang of this frozen pizza thing.  And the game featured the historic matchup of Barry Bonds vs. Greg Maddux.  Sadly, no historic homerun, but an enjoyable watch none-the-less.

I can say I'm not that bad because I looked over and saw that my dad was watching C-SPAN.  So at least I've got that going for me...

Ooh!  Although, I will not be writing a Comic-Con blog this year because I don't have much to add to what you see in the pictures, I do have a few things I'd like to say, in the form of Big-Ups.

Big-Ups:

To my sister for letting me use her Petco parking pass during the 'Con.  Not only did I get to stroll in whenever I wanted, I did so knowing I would have a reserved parking space and said space would be free.  Thanks, Cur-Say!

To Rose and Alan for saving me a seat in Hall H for the Rogue Pictures panel.  2nd row, people!  That's like, as they say in NorCal, hella-close.  You guys are awesome!

And finally, to Amanda M., Cecelia, Stephen, Daniel C. and Anthony, Sean and Kathleen, and my former co-workers/friends for hanging out for the amount that you did.  It's much more fun to talk to you than to myself, and it looks a lot less creepy (I hope).

With that being said I'd like to send some No-Ups as well.

No-Ups:

To the few non-believer, crystal ball up their ass, Comic-Con staffers who attempted to close off rooms/halls prematurely.  This was my 9th Comic-Con and it's held at my former place of employment.  I think I can figure out how many people fit in a room (A Lot) and how many of the people in-line will be left out (None).  I totally missed the Indy 4 panel because of you fuckers.  Now, just stand at the door like a good boy and shut the fuck up.

To the chairs at the Convention Center.  You are not properly made for asses.  I said "Good day, Sir!"

Having said these things, I believe I'm done.

If'n you're still wantin' to see them-there Commie-Con photos (and some bideos) go here: http://s8.photobucket.com/albums/a30/psychodan13/

Goodnight, my babies.  :-P   Pbbbbbbbbbbbth!!!

Dinner Doodles

Hey, kids!  I know I haven't drawn any work doodles lately (mostly because I've got no work at which to doodle) so I made some drawings of what my family and I ordered at Romano's Macaroni Grill in Eastlake.

I ordered a Sicilian Pizza.  Here's my drawing of a Sicilian dude:

My sister ordered Chicken Parmesian:

 
I can't exactly draw chickens.

My mom ordered the Shrimp Scampi:

I don't know what scampi is.

My dad ordered the Mama's Trio. I don't know what that is so I just drew my mom:

 
It's fairly accurate.

For my only restaurant review ever, I'll say that Romano's is okay.  It's not too pricey, food's slightly above average (but let's not get carried away), and I think they hired every kid who goes to Eastlake High School.  The wait staff is very under 20.  Not judging, just facts.

And finally, on a somewhat related note (or sequencial when referring to food), President Bush had a highly publicized colonoscopy yesterday (which is exactly the attention you seek while having a tube up ya butt).  For a few hours, Cheney was the President.  I'm shocked we're not at war with Iran.  Anyhow, the Nightly news folks decided to get real technical about how it went, which I thought was unnecessary.  But I am glad that the world finally got to see how full of shit W. Bush really is!

Thank you and goodnight.  Tip your waitresses.  :-P  Pbbbbbbbth!!!

Scuzzlebutts!

Hey, kids!  So in case you didn't know (and seriously, where have you been?!), VH1 has been having their annual World Series of Pop Culture the past two weeks.  What you may also not know is that every night of the show, there have been 2 (East Coast and West Coast) online trivia challenges called the Trivia Dome.  The winner of each receives $2,500.  There's also an Ultimate Trivia Dome, after the show/tournament ends, and that's for $10,000.  Also, the UTD is based solely on questions that were asked on the show. 

The winner of each Trivia Dome contest was decided by how many questions they got right (out of 25) and in how fast a time (to break any ties).  The questions were asked in a survival format, meaning that if you answer wrong (or take too long) on a question, you're out.

Well, since I didn't get on the show, you know I had to get in on this shit.

*Let it be noted here that I tried to take a screen shot of my Trivia Dome avatar but Windows/PCs suck*

So I didn't really realize how good a money making opportunity this was at first, so I really didn't start playing till the 2nd night West Coast game.  Needless to say, I had to get used to the format, and I was bounced after 2 correct answers.  Not my proudest showing, as you will see.  Somehow, 2 right answers was good enough for 731st place out of 1,711 people.  The West Coast games generally had less participants because it took place at 10pm PST.

I missed the next East Coast game but I played in Night 3's West Coast game.  Here I answered 6 questions correctly.  It must have been a really tough night because that score was good enough for 94th place out of 2,211 people.  I believe I missed an Animal House question.  It never ceases to amaze me how not having seen that movie always bites me in the ass.

Well, I could get real boring and go through all the nights but I've just now decided that that would suck.  I'll just say that it was often times some reallyminute fact (even for me) or the one show I didn't watch that did me in.

I started to really catch my stride on Night 6's East Coast game.  I finished with 21 correct answers which was good for 102nd place out of 9,511 people.  This got me pretty stoked.  I was getting super-close to the money.  I could feel it.  I think I lost on some obscure Cape Fear (the Scorscese version) question. 

Keep in mind that every night the winner was getting all 25 questions right (more or less) and FAST.

As luck tends to go, I blew the West Coast game that night but came back solidly on Night 7's East Coast game.  I got 16 correct for 189th place out of roughly 11,000 people.  Solid, not bad.

In that night's West Coast game, I got 13 correct for 149th out of 3,311 people.  Again, solid.  Not great, no money, but decent.  I think I blew out on a goddamned Mariah Carey question too.  Wouldn't ya know it...

So it's down to the final night of the show (though not the Trivia Dome), and in the East Coast game, I kinda tank.  I get to 10 right answers and blow.  I finish a demoralizing 2603rd out of probably 12,000 people.  Possibly time to panic.

Then BAM! 

The West Coast game comes and I am feelin' it.  I blaze threw and get bounced out after 22 correct answers.  I never watched Eight is Enough!  Damn you, Dick Van Patten!  I can't really feel bad because I didn't even remotely know it but I was SOoo close.  So I anxiously awaited the final results, and I ended up finishing 27th out of 3,811 people!  "Preety good, Dr. Jones..."

So, no $2,500 prize.  I think I did pretty well.  I feel good about it.

Ah, but wait... Tonight was the Ultimate Trivia Dome!  That absolute last game for a cash prize this season.  $10,000 was on the line and the challenge was 50 questions and it's all out of pure memory from the past 2 week's shows. 

Pure memory???  Past 2 weeks???  Is there any contest that could be more perfectly suited for me???

The answer is: No. 

That is precisely how I passed Biology in college.  I was doing pretty bad (by my standards) and was facing down a C grade heading into the final.  But the final consisted of 80 percent old test questions and the rest was new material.  So I studied the old exams (as minimally as I study) and ACED the fucker!  Walked out of the class with a B...  HA!

So I'm pretty geared up for this final test of my Pop Culture memory.  I get ready at my desk and I turn the sound down because the music and sound effects only add more pressure.  And it starts...

I'm plugging along and everything is looking familiar.  I'm a bit nervous 'cause I wanna do well but I'm not freaking out.  I could've probably used a few deep breaths because I got a question about the show Nip/Tuck.  It's asking about the name of the fictional serial killer from the show.  I didn't know the answer but I watched the TV contestant get it right and remembered that.  It's "The Carver."  So I quickly (too quickly) scan the answers and click on the...

OH SHIT!  THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT ONE!!!  OH MOTHER OF FUCK!!!

And I bang my fist down into the desk.  I had a complete and total brain fart but you all have done it, I'm sure.  See, one of the wrong answers was "The Cleaver."  CLEAVER.  C (that's the same)- L (wrong)- E (wrong)- A (vaguely right)- V (good)- E (right)- R (perfect).  It starts and ends the same as Carver and thus it fucked me. 

And of course with my crazy-memory, I remember my Psychology class from the Fall of '02 that we humans possess what is called, "The Flynn Effect."  It's basically automatic word reading.  If someone asks you to tell them what color this word (BROWN) is written in, you're still gonna say "brown" 9 times out of 10.  It's also why we're able to raed wrods lkie tihs eevn thuogh thye're mispleled.  It's the fuckin' truth and don't I know it.

So, after only 16 correct answers out of 50, I am no more.  Do not win contest.  Do not collect $10,000. 

It sucked and it's frustrating but I will live to play again.  And win, DAMMIT!

SHUT IT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!  :-P  Pbbbbbth!!!

Oh, Just Shoosh...

Hey, kids.  What it is, my babies?  Well, I'm glad to hear it.  I got a few things I'd like to talk about, if you don't mind.

I don't know if you've noticed but MySpace's series of interviews called, "Artist on Artist" has a new installment out.  It features rock legend Iggy Pop engaging in a mutual interview with Bam Margera.  What?  Yes, I did say, Bam Margera.  Yeah, now that you mention it, that does piss me off.

What exactly is Bam Margera's art?  In what medium does Bam express himself artistically?  Last time I checked, punching your sleeping father wasn't considered morally acceptable, let alone an art form.  Slamming your face into things, also not an art.

Oh, well, maybe it's because of the Right Guard ads he was doing?  No, no that's not art either.  It was hardly even good TV.  Perhaps then, it's from his work as a MTV reality show star?  No.  No art there.  Hmmm, very perplexing...

On a more positive, and less quizical, note, there is actually a commercial out now that I do like!  Have you seen the new Burger King ads?  They're on a construction site and you hear a grumblin' and it turns out it's somebody's stomach and then he yells at it, "SHUT UP!!!"  And then a very familiar voice comes on (the former Black Angus cowboy) and he says gruffly, "SHUT IT UUUUUUP!"

I don't know why but I just love it.  I love the way he says, "SHUT IT UUUUUUP!"  He says it again later in the commercial after a woman's stomach rumbles and she yells at it.  I can't help but say along with it both times, even if I'm not in the room, "SHUT IT UUUUUP!"  There's just something macho-retarded about it.  I hope you love it too.  But if not, fuck it.

That's all for now, kids!  SHUT IT UUUUP!  :-P  Pbbbbbbth!!!

Presents From The Present

1. Who is the last person who smacked your butt?
I don't recall exactly.  It happens more often than you'd think.  I'm just gonna say Gerry because he's usually the answer to these questions.

2. Last awkward moment?
Last Friday.  I was getting a haircut when my ex's mom walked into the barbershop.

3. Who do you find yourself crushing on currently?
Nobody in particular and everyone, all at once.

4. Have you ever fallen backwards down a set of stairs?
I'm sure I've come close but I'd remember if I had.

5. Ever been to a friend's house and starved the whole time?
Yes.  At Freddy's house.  He never had anything to eat or drink, and they had a big ant problem.

6. Ever found more than a dollar in a random place?
No but I randomly found a piece of popcorn in my shirt pocket.

7. Name someone close to you who smokes cigarettes?
Wayne

9. When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
Depends on how fast they're walking.

10. Have you ever been corrected at your workplace?
All the time.  I just say, "Yes" and then go back to doing things my own way.  Being agreeable gets bosses out of your face faster than arguing.

11. Has anyone ever been more important to you than a family member?
We all get stupid and temporarily false-prioritize things.

12. Do you still see any of your ex's?
Well, I see one everytime I check my blog subscribers.  Go away, you crazy bitch!  And another was at Scolari's recently.  Why can't these people just be good and die?

13. Last time you smiled?
Wait for it... Wait for it... NOW!

14. What do you do when a telemarketer calls?
I try to say no quick to save their energy.  I've done that job so I avoid being mean.

15. Would life be the same without alcohol?
My life would be but there'd be a lot of whiney bitches who'd complain ALL THE TIME.

16. Would you go a month without washing your hair to save a loved one?
Although I'm a great propponent of hat wearing, I fail to see how this would save them.

17. Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?It wouldn't be my first reaction...

18. Have you had "the best night of your life"?
Probably not.  But I've had good-times.

19. Do you think your current pets will be alive ten years from now?
Roxie is a fatso, so maybe at best.

20. Have you ever had sex in a bathroom?
Never fuck in the shithouse.

21. When was your last bubble bath?
Childhood.

22. Do you know anyone by the name of Dennis?
The guy at checkout at SDSU.  He has every right to be an asshole but chooses to be otherwise.  I don't know how he does it.

23. What was the last thing you ate?
Bratwurst.  I'm SOoo fucking german.

24. Where is your pet right now?
Following my mom all over the house, as usual.

25. Name five things you did yesterday?
How 'bout, "No?!"

26. Last time you consumed alcohol?
Many moons.

27. What color phone do you have?
Silver SLVR.

28. How many kids do you want to have?
2, 3, or 9.

29. What outfit do you have on at this exact moment?
Cargo, shorts, button down, shirt, volleyball t-shirt, socks.

30. What color are your eyes?
The shade of green that soaks into your soul.

31. Have you ever been in love?
No.

32. When was the last time you drank a martini?
I tried an appletini once.  December '04 maybe...

33. Did you do any chores today?
Some laundry.

34. What are you doing tomorrow?
The Cox Cable guy is coming because my dad cut off our phone with hedgeclippers.  He's kind of a genius.

35. Do you know someone who likes you?
The world chico, and everyone in it.

36. Have you ever had a friend named "Fred, Frank, or Felipe"?
Freddy, my nasty creepo co-worker Frank, and no.

37. Name three people you met in the past two months?
I met Bonnie at the film festival afterparty.  I met Becky at Danny's b-day party.  And I think that's pretty much it but I'm forgetting people I'm sure.  Oh, Flavor Dave of RPC!

38. What color is your hair?
Dirty Blonde, which means mostly brown.

40. Have you ever said "I Love You" and not meant it?
Yeah, I'm an idiot.

41. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Negative.

42. What is the closest green object to you?
Certified Mail receipts for my film festival entries.

43. Have you ever been teased really bad?
Please.  I'm white and in south San Diego.  And I was/am husky. Husky like a fox...

44. Do you still have feelings for anyone from your past?
Probably.  But not anybody I've dated.  Just the ones I should have.

45. Did you enjoy your last kiss from a girl?
I hope so.

46. Do you believe in ghosts?
No.

47. Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?
No.

48. Do you have a lot of female friends?
Enough.

49. Do you have a friend with benefits?
I hope so.

50. Who was the last person you drove with?
Butch.  No relation to the previous question.